Here's a piece of copy of my copywriters did for one of my clients. I read it and, personally, I like it. (There is some room for improvement of course, but overall, it's good.)

But the client didn't like it. In fact, he was very vague in terms of what he wants, what kind of changes he wishes to make and what's wrong with this copy. I mean "the copy is not good" or "it's not the kind of copy I expected." That's it. No specifics. No clarifications.

So I'm left scratching my head...

Granted, you can't please all the people all the time. But before I revise it myself, I want to know, how you feel about it? Do you like it? What don't you like? What would you change?

I appreciate your responses. (Keep in mind, the length of copy is very specific and limited to the size you see now. The client is strict about this. Unfortunately.)

------------------------------------------------

Get Uncle Sam
To Pay Your Bills

It’s amazing but it’s true! Every Year the U.S. Government gives out over $400 billion in FREE money. What’s more… you don’t have to pay back a dime!

Why the heck would the government want to give out FREE money when there are so many problems in the U.S.? Simple.

Every year Congress sets aside nearly 1 trillion dollars ear marked for government grants and loans. Uncle Sam figures the economy will get a boost IF they take tax payer money … and give it away so it can be spent.

What will this do? It will get merchant’s cash registers ringing… more homes bought from the real estate market… and more small businesses opening up. So when re-election time rolls around… they can take the credit for a stronger economy!

How YOU can spend some tax-payer money…for FREE!

You can use this money to…

• Get your creditors off your back! You won’t have to worry about those annoying phone calls anymore. Just a simple grant from the right agency… and BAM… your credit cards will be at a zero balance.

• Get a down payment for a new home! Even if you’re not ready to buy today… this insider information will get you a deal on a new home because you’re dropping thousands for a down payment!

• Get start-up money for your own business! You can fire your boss in as little as 36 hours with this information. Better still, when the Small Business Administration gives out money for a new business… they like to give it big! Why? Because they know, whenever you start a new venture… it has to be properly funded.

• Get money to go back to school! You won’t have to decide between a life of poverty… and getting an education to get a better job. Now, with this information you’ll be able to go back to school in style… and not starve when you do!

And that’s just for starters. You’ll also get this insider information:

This is NOT a scam

This is real money, given out by real government agencies. Each year the U.S. government gives out over $400 Billion in government grants. The people who receive these grants not only get to help themselves… but they also help the country. Order your FREE CD today [hyperlink]

And you’ll get all the details you need to claim your share of this $400 Billion dollars with this insider CD.

The fact is… you need a simple system to follow to guarantee you get your share of this FREE money. And that’s exactly what you’ll get with our free CD. It details the step-by-step process to tapping into this huge sum of FREE money.

When you get your copy today, you’ll discover…

• The single most important thing you must do to get your hands on some of this FREE money…

• How to copy “winning” grant and loan applications so you can do the same thing…

But we’ll also give you:

• 2 weeks of live chat time so you can speak with a specialist if you need help…

• How to get a SBA (Small Business Administration) loan of up to 1 million dollars in 36 hours…

• Access to out members only site where new loan information is constantly updated for 2 weeks…

Don’t wait ‘til next year to get your FREE money…

It’s easier than you think to access your share of this money. Just think… whatever money problem you have, can be solved in the twinkling of an eye. And to even make sure this venture is nothing but profitable to you, you get a…

30 day money back guarantee

Get your FREE CD today, by just paying the little shipping and handling fee of $3.95. You get a full 30 days after you receive it to check it out for yourself… and see if it’s real. I’m happy to say, you’ll be in amazement to discover the huge amount of money that’s given away every year to people just like you.

Don’t hesitate, it’s simple. Just fill out the form you see here, and in just a few days you’ll receive your FREE CD detailing how you too, can access this gigantic reservoir of FREE government grant money.

[Testimonial Table to Run the Entire Margin Length]

Success Stories

“After learning about this program I was approved for $1,036,000 to start a business. Thank you!”
--Edward Toone

“This formula works! Thanks for the $$$$”
--Debbie R.

Received over $5100.00 in weatherization grants.
-- G. Walker

Rreceived private funds in the amount of $2500.00 to purchase a 2 bedroom home worth $22,000.00.
-- M. Feller

Rreceived $225,000 in funds to start a bakery.
-- D. Stump

Receiving 1% interest funding for his restaurant thru the SBA.
-- B. Young

Received $155,000 in monies for her real estate rehabbing thru the Community Action Agency.
-- G. Davis

Eligible for a $500,000 agricultural loan but turned down because he wanted a grant.
-- S. Jones

Received $300,000 in Farm Service funding to get his cattle Ranch up and running.
-- D.M. Dolf

Received $15,000.00 in Private Foundation Funds for his undergraduate college degree.
-- M. Feller

Received $32,000 in commercials for his Dry Cleaning Business.
-- T. Wilson

Received a $35,000.00 dollar grant on Thursday of February 1st to start a trucking company. She was so very happy she had to call crying just to tell us about it.
-- Jody S.

LIFE IS GOOD!!!
”I bought a 60 unit apartment complex and your techniques were great!”
--Valentine F.
BC, Canada
Jan 23, 2004

I obtained funding from these sources: 531110 Leasers of Residential Buildings and Dwellings, $6,000,000 asset maximum, and 233210 Single Family Housing Construction that applies to companies with assets less than $28,500,000.
--Richard T.
Brooklyn, New York
Dec 03, 2003

Hey it Worked!!!
I am on the road a lot as a flight attendant and I was scared to look at properties away from my base in Orlando. I have been trying for 16 months and I have 12 properties.
--Debbie R.
Orlando, Florida
Jan 23, 2004

“The net result will be $65,000 in my pocket!”
--John H.

hi,

i think that this headline, have to be changed, it give the feeling of guilty.

why, other pay thier tax and why have you to do that, what mean to be a patriot.

talk just about the product, why making the consummers thinking about anything else like politics.

few days (2,3 7 days )?, be clear.

this is all what i think about modestely and honnestely may be it help.

The mechanics are good. I'm thinking he saw it as dry. The tone could be JUICY / Desperate houswives style. Not Hypy but with a more human angle to it. Try the enquirer for headlines.

Like " Look, I gotta tell ya bout this deal the Government has goin. You've heard this before but this guy lays it all on the line. The government has this money set up for our use and this guy has gone into every nook and cranney to find the untapped sources of cash that just get wasted if we don't use them."

P.S. The 30 day money back gaurentee on a free CD sounds weird.


JayKay's examples (below) are more "Juicy." without crossing into Hype.

Maybe, since this is going to be a webpage, the client was disappointed because he didn't see a 50 word plus MEGA-headline.

Round lot numbers like 400 billion or 1 trillion lack some believability. (Check out the pics below.)

Testimonials, to me, lack credibility without a full name and city and state. You can overcome this by adding a picture of the person next to their testimonial. (Check out the pics below.)

Overall I think the copy is fine and worth testing. I don't know ('cause I haven't checked) what the competition for this kind of product is, but I'd consider testing full page standby newspaper ads.

A full pager would run $1,000.00 (or so) in a newspaper with a circulation of 100,000 (and a readership of 3x that). The product has a pretty broad appeal. Some months ago I saw the following full pager piking a seminar on government grants. The top and middle parts are reproduced below.

It's not a plain jane boring Halbert style ad. It has some simple design elements that makes it look interesting like a tear-sheet newspaper placed slightly crooked with a drop shadow and another box placed crooked with a shadow. (I would have used a light gray for the shadow and not solid black.) Note the testimonials in their own box with pictures of all who gave them. There's also another box of testimonials in the lower left side of the ad.

Pic of the ad top:

http://tinypic.com/view/?pic=so0eo9
http://i2.tinypic.com/so0eo9.jpg

Pic of the ad middle:

http://tinypic.com/view/?pic=so0evn
http://i2.tinypic.com/so0evn.jpg

It does, and every one I can think of has seemed broad and too vague. I wonder if this wouldn't be a job for specializing the copy. Like suggesting 7 niches up front with description and testimonials for each? Just a thought.

I agree the copy is dry. So lacking in emotion.

How would your life change if Uncle Sam paid your bills?

Surely getting creditors off your back means more than the end of annoying phone calls?

What's that new home or business going to mean to you and your loved ones?

Government grants is a dry subject. Perhaps telling stories is the way to go. There are so many tucked away in the testimonials. What happened to Jody's trucking company? And how's that cattle ranch doing? What business did Edward start and what about the real estate ventures? And how have the recipient's lives changed since they got the money?

I agree the testimonals lack credibility.

Could tighten up the "You can use this money to" bullets, especially if you're short of space.

And why is there a money-back guarantee on a free product?

Hope this helps.

Janet

I think a hybrid of the "original copy" and "Jaykay's" screen capture might work.

-- but because it's going online, I would watch the tone to prevent hyperbole.

Not too keen on the way the information is presented. Shouldn't the testimonials be presented before the offer and guarantee (or at least intertwined into the copy).

Also, I don't see any true bonuses or sense of urgency.

If there aren't any bonuses, then I would use the "FREE CD" and urgency together to create the "bonus".

Something like:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you order within the next ten days, we will send you this fabulous "Insider CD" absolutely FREE... but you'll have to order fast -- once these CD's are gone, they are gone forever!

Don't procrastinate, do it now while it's still on your mind.

Remember, you're entire "financial future" is on the line.... blah blah blah...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would absolutely leave out the word "SCAM" im my copy.

While reading I didn't even think it to be a scam "until" I read the word.

There are other ways to nip this in the bud without actually using the word "SCAM".

Just because you tell me it's not a scam doesn't convince me that it isn't one.

Much like a "fat-cat" lawyer saying "TRUST ME"!

If you ever hear an attorney say that -- run away as fast as you can!

How knowledgeable is this client about copywriting? I'd think if he had some experience w/direct response writing he'd be giving concrete criticism.

If this is his first foray into DR/ or even if he's relatively new, maybe he's just nervous and looking for someone to blame if things don't go well.

(That may be completely unfair. I always hate attributing motives to people I've never even met but when behavior doesn't match expectations sometimes there's something going on you need to be aware of.)

Agree the copy is serviceable. And also agree I'd take the "Scam" reference out. If you feel that needs to be adressed I'd do it indirectly.

Since space is limited, consider using the paragraph below the scam subhead for this. It's just restating a previous point anyway.

Hope that's helpful.

Everyone's pissing in the wind if we don't know what exactly the client didn't like.

I'd suggest you go back to the client and ask him to say *something* to indicate what he's not happy about. What was he expecting? In what way does this not live up to expectations? Can he identify one thing that he doesn't like e.g. the headline or the testimonials.

My view is that better questions --> better answers.

HTH,
Jane

Believe me Jane, we did. Three times. And the client kept responding, "we don't know," or, "it's not like some of the other letters you wrote." (Then, when asked "which salesletters," he refused to answer.)

So agreed, this is a shot in the dark. I don't know, but maybe this client has something else up their sleeves I don't know about. (For instance, they admitted I'm not their first copywriter and wanted to try out a new one, so they may be jumping from one to another for a variety of reasons -- some of which I can guess but would rather not speculate on.)