This copy is unbelievably terrible for one simple reason.

You never at any point talk to your reader about what SHE might want.

You never explain how great you might be in terms of what SHE'LL get out of it.

Every second word is "I".

Here's a great exercise.

Go back through the copy and change every single sentence with the word "I" in it to "you".

To do that you'll have to change the structure and the focus of the sentence.

For example...

"So let's start with me. Here's what my life is like. First of all, I'm an early riser. I used to go to gym every morning till December last year and these days just make sure I enjoy a great shower and my breakfast, the most important meal of the day."

Gets changed to...

"So lets start with you. Here's what your life could be like.

First of all if you're an early riser you could come with me to the gym every morning. Or enjoy a shower then we could have a quiet breakfast together."

Etc etc

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

Freelance online copywriter

Cartoonman, he's modeling the letter almost exactly after Gary Halbert's famous ad. If you haven't read Gary's then download the pdf below. Halbert uses a TON of "I"s in the ad.

http://www.thegaryhalbertletter.com/13Ad%20PDF.pdf

Sure, but Andy, as long as the idea is sound....

The masters of copywriting can get away with it by using charm. Note the pre-head, head, and first pharaghaph are all "Butter."

Once the butter has been shoveled on thick enough, you get to talk about yourself. Primarily cause that's the point of this particular ad.

If the end point was "And that's why you should blow a wad of money on my sweaty towel collection. " I would think/hope sales would be poor.

I've read Gary's ad.

And the women he got from that ad, strangely, he's no longer with.

Do you think the marketing approach might have a fundamental flaw.

Perhaps with the overall business strategy.



Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

Incidentally I experimented with copy to meet women.

I'm actually talking from successful experience.

I had MANY, many dates.

Even had a woman who flew over 3,000km to meet me in person at her expense.

And no I'm not single now.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

In other words, your copy was the death of you.

Hahaha - "Be Careful What You Wish For"

Not a fundamental flaw, hey if chat room marriages can work, then so can this. Halbert said he was getting well adjusted ladies for months. Love.com maybe can do a better job. But it only takes one. WROS (wife reading over shoulder)

LOL... Ramon, your site is cute, a good read. It is also a little confusing.

(1) You eat two breakfasts? One before you go home, and one after you go home? Why? Are you a "player"who doesn't sleep in his own bed at night? That's how it sounds right now.

(2) You also say that you have never been married, and in the next sentence you say "I don't want to get married again." So which is it???

Looks like you need a really good proofreader.

Bailey

Actually on second thoughts this could be the most brilliant piece of copy in the history of the universe.

Guy who stays out at night (a player) having breakfast while out and then after getting home.

Never married unless you want him to be (read probably very economical with the truth in relationships)...

Seeks girl who can put up with his completely self obsessed egotistical nature.

You may be attracting EXACTLY the girls you need!!

Sorry I missed that.