Here's another website I just finished. It has tons of response-inducers. We're testing right now:

http://www.desperatemoney.com/

What do you think? Please stick with the copy itself. Refrain from commenting on the nature or type of copy.

Mike,

Went to this VW Bug Jam thing recently. Literally hundreds upon hundreds of Beetles, Campers, Splittys, Ghia's and a vast array of others.

They have a kind of show time thing and to get attention ... you have to stand-out (hang in on this one).

After a stack of seen it all before VW's this hippy drives up in his battered 1958 brown and red samba. He gets out and we are all watching. In his hand is a guitar. In his other hand is a remote.

He opens the barn door on the side of his samba and pushes the remote with his other hand. Suddenly the whole car hydrolically lowers to the ground and I mean literally on the ground. He sites on the open door frame and happily plays his guitar to a mouth-wide-open crowd. What a cool dude he was.

Point being: everyone trys to lower their VW's but no one had seen this before. We all looked, we all stared, he won.

Internet marketing, BAAAAH, here we go again!

To be frank, YES the letter pulled me right in and I read it (I usually read not a lot on this now unless its very different). It covered the mind-set and answered my questions. Loved the handwriting, very real feel to it.

Great guarantee also (extra 25%). At the end I was left wondering I might buy it but held back by ... yes heard it all before. Maybe thats just me but sure it was different enough to grab me and make me read it, nice

The VW Samba was mindblowing and out of the box. I definatley think the hand notes give the feel of this is different on this one.

Hi Michel,

This is so good, I almost wonder why you're asking. It's another letter you could teach a semester from by breaking it down.

The copy is a little calm. Maybe the thinking behind that is that it's such an oulandish proposition that you need credibility - I don't know. Is there something about it that's bugging you?

If I were to change anything at all, it would be to sell the bonus on the order page harder.


Peter Stone

Top notch writing as usual ... quick list:

Pluses:
-excellent subhead linkage + word choice.. love it re "I made the gutsiest dare ... the pressure was on.. here was the challenge... (even in shock!)" ... perfect linkage and word choice, beautifully written copy.
-bonus is great how/where it's at, agree I'd add something to it, maybe a small graphic of the 90 min tape or something, on order page
-nice 'gun to the head' guru phrase usage
-i like the handwriting lower in the page, here personal promise area, that shines... the top handwriting should be more a kennedy-type margin/lift note style

To improve:
-overall, I think it grabs me down starting at the subhead "...Desperate For a Way..." ... much of what's above that, I didn't like and initially turned me away... eg that long email graphic is too big..
-recovering attorney cutesy but I'd cut to the chase and delete those first two sentences, eg "I'm a recovering..." change to something else, ahead of the "In fact, in the last couple of..." which is where it gets interesting.
-I'd add a "here's proof" right after the "Frankly, I DO know..." eg with a payment screencap ...
-main headline doesn't grab me as much as your subheads... I'd keep working on it.. subheads and lower body copy is terrific ... need to start stronger out of the gate...

hope that helps -- terrific copy/subheads ... just fix the top page imho..

some of your best work, in the lower body copy + subheads... excellent.

re pitch maybe a convenience/speed/ease of use factor can be included somehow, that would grab me, eg if I were desperate for money, Speed of how quickly I could make some, would be a benefit/hot point

Ken

Thanks all.

The whole point of the copy is to put a credible spin on something that's really overused on the Internet these days ... You know the ones, like, "How to make $12,745,540,568.91 in just 2 microseconds!" Blah blah blah.

I figure, the $1,000 in 48 hour slant is far more believable and digestable for most people. It's the main thrust of the ebook -- and I made it the main thrust of the copy, too.

Peter,

Often, the copy I post here was co-written or "inspired" by others, and I added "my flavor" to it, rewrote it and polished it. This one is one of them. Take the vocabulary example from earlier: I rewrote not only the pevious copy from another copywriter, but rewrote the whole darn thing twice. Personally.

Like businesses owners, we're often too married to our product -- in my case, my copy -- to see the forest for the trees sometimes. My only aim is see if there's anything I missed. (Thank goodness for these boards.)

In fact, I learn TONS through these boards. My client benefits ... But *I* benefit a whole lot more!

I'm just getting started in this world of internet marketing and copywriting...so as far as evaluating the copy I only came up with one thing.

I actually fit the market category for that desperate for money offering, but as I read the sections about each guru I was expecting more specifics of how each person met the 'gun to the head' challenge.

How much did each person make in the 48 hours they were given? If they all beat the challenge, it would seem more credible to me if you printed the actual dollar amount of profit or income that each achieved in their time allotment?

The challenge was not to do it ... The challenge was what would they do. Plus, we had to "put them in the zone," so to speak. In the clients' shoes. They weren't allowed to use their current assets, etc, in their explanation.

Some even provided some case studies and actual examples. But to denominate that in the copy would be to publish some of the 'secrets' ... And Shawn didn't allow me to do that.

I'm thinking ... It's a good point nonetheless. Maybe an excerpt? An example? Maybe a free chapter through an autoresponder?

I feel a bit misled then... The premise of the ebook to me was that 15 top Gurus were given this challenge and the ebook outlines how they each accomplished the challenge.

I like the restrictions and the way the challenge is set up, but after reading the whole advertisement, I'm expecting an ebook that documents them really doing the challenge, not just sharing their ideas of what could potentially achieve the outcome.

I'd rather read about their attempts and actual outcomes...even if they fell short by a few pennies.

You wouldn't have to reveal anything about their 'secrets' in simply sharing the facts of the dollar amount outcome.

I'm inclined to part with the $40 anyway, since the product seems that compelling to me.

Jay,

What you're saying reminds me of Robert Allen and his challenge to buy a property with no money down. I agree that the premise is much more believable if people actually did the challenge - otherwise surely it is just a theory that is being sold?

Jane

Hi Mike,

Geeze, this is good copy! You gave me so many ideas, I feel really fortunate to participate here and learn with you guys.

One thing that created problems for me - I couldn't find the price. By scanning (which I always do for these pieces no matter how good it is), I thought the price was $67 - which instead was the bonus worth.

Is there a specific reason to hide such a low price? I will probably buy just for my knowledge and learning, but it was an uncomfortable feeling not having the price real clear.

All the best,

Tim