Yancey -
No personal attack on your credibility, but now that you've gotten all this advice from other forum members here...

-- that helped you fix, tweak, and fine-tune your copy,

what are you going to do the first time someone from the chamber hires you and expects "you" to be an expert in this field?

... I guess you come back here for more advice, eh?

Stephen,

I know I can give value to the local businesses. None of the several that I frequent have a mailing list, customer rewards program, or unique ads in the Yellow Pages or newspaper.

None of them exhibit knowledge of trackable results from their marketing, building a client refferal program, or other basic business building strategies constantly harped by Dan Kennedy, Bill Glazer, or members of this forum.

Just by implementing one of these in a local business would put them head-and-shoulders above their competition.

No, I'm no Master...nor do I claim to be. But I have knowledge that the local businesses can use that will be profitable to them.

I currently handle my chiropractor's newletter which has reactivated 5 old clients absent for six months or more (each has at least $1500 life time value). And he only wants the newletter sent every other month...I'm working on that!

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king"

Oh, yes, I'll be back for more advice. The members of this forum are generous and knowledgable (including you ) and I'd be a fool to not to use it.

So, is the letter more personal...warmer?

You definitely can't go wrong by following Kennedy and Glazer!

I respect your honesty -- I also consider my self a mere student of direct marketing and hope to be until the day I die ... my head will never get so big that I'll forget the lessons I've learned as an apprentice...

This never ending journey that many of us are on is probably the most thrilling part of this business --

=================================

... and yes, Yancey -- your copy is ten times better than your first post.
... much warmer indeed!

-- you give them a great offer - Hey, what's better than a FREE ($125.00) consultation?...
-- you give them an excellent explanation on your "here's why" section ...
-- you offer some great bulleted benefits ...
-- you use great visualization techniques ...

and you also finish up with a "limited opportunity"!

... oh yeah, I also see a free report in your PS section...

... and all through the copy, you use a very approachable, personal voice.

Awesome job Yancey! -- I think it is ready for your first run --

I wish you the very best in this endeavor, my friend!

Just remember us "little people" when you make your first million

I really like the last headline.

If I recall, a lot of the Magnetic Marketing sample letters for professionals started off in this manner...

Which makes me wonder. Will the chamber of commerce let you rent a list of these people's names later, after you've been able to send them this free letter?

I'm just thinking that it would probably be worth it, and you could increase your response rate the more times you mail...and it wouldn't be in with a pile of other peoples letters...

who knows, maybe with your first free mailing you could gain enough clients to pay for the next couple mailings easily.

just a thought...

Caleb,

The first mailing is free for new chamber member and additional mailings are $150 each. The Chamber takes the letters and folds them and stuffs the envelope and handles mailing.

I do plan to send additional mailings. Of course, I'll be building my own list during all of this.

And thanks for the input.

Yancey,

Get someone to interview you and record the interview. Have it transcribed.

Then, offer it via an insert in this mailing... for free... if they'll fax you their contact information.

That would certainly be good lead generation... and also give them a "sampling" of your expertise.

Your cost per lead could be quite low this way!

Thanks JP!

As usual you are a fountain of knowledge!

Hi Yancey,

Thanks for posting your letter here for review and thanks to all those great comments everyone has so graciously provided!

I don't think I can add anything as you've refined your letter quite nicely, but please keep us posted and let us know how well you make out!

Wishing you much success,

Will do Steve.

It gets mailed on the 20th.

875 letters were sent yesterday to the Chamber for mailing.

Hi Yancey,

Can't you personalise the letter - or won't the chamber let you have access to their database?

I think you may have overdone the scarcity with a time limit, a numbers limit and something else. People may think they don't stand a chance of getting in, so won't respond on that basis. Also, be very careful what you commit to. If you don't get the number of leads you want from this mailing, you won't be able to use that offer again, having already said that it's one time only offer. If this becomes a profitable thing to do, and something you do regularly, then you'll have to come up with new offers every time.

Why is the free report limited to 10 people?

I wasn't sure why you sort of started explaining direct marketing. I wouldn't bother. The aim of the letter is to generate leads, and I don't know that it matters that you use direct marketing principles (do they need to know that now?) If you've only got one page, and can't fully explain what you're talking about, then my instinct is to leave it out. Otherwise you risk confusing people, and as we know, the confused mind never buys.

I didn't like the "kick butt" headline at all - how does that connect with the pain of your market? Also, with one of the other suggested headlines someone used the term "fellow chamber members" or somesuch - but the letter should read as though it's to an individual.

What sort of businesses is the letter going to?

If you're going to infer that as Chamber members they're now getting a new benefit - should you check with the chamber first that it's OK to word it that way?

I think it's getting there, but I'm not sure it connects really with their pain (which is why I asked you what type of businesses). If it's a cross section, then it's difficult to write for them all and that can lead to blandness. I find asking questions helps in getting people to identify their pain/problem. I also find asking questions an easier way to write copy! (You can see how I used questions on this ad: http://www.ecademy.com/module.php?mod=list&lid=16850 and on my website www.attractioneers.com )

Irregardless of what I say, I'm sure you'll do well with it anyway! Best of luck,

Jane