Here's copy I've recently written, but the client has asked for several changes. This is the first draft and, after some initial testing, it's not doing as well as expected. What do you think? Any comments/suggestions? I'm willing to test or rewrite anything -- heck I may be totally off on this one. However, I feel it may also be a targeting issue.

What do you think?

http://SuccessDoctor.com/projects/ev/

Mike,

I like the copy and think it works well but for me ... it took too long to tell me what it was.

I noticed the tags within the page are for "learn power words". As you know the web is search driven so in my opinion if anyone was searching for that product they would type in precisely what they are looking for.

For me the headline and first few paragraphs does not answer a potential search driven query!

My fear would be if they have found this page via a s/engine their questions are answered too far into the copy.

Apart from that I woulds love to say your rubbish but I cant, its a great piece.

I would like to see their targeting campaign and way of driving traffic as I also suspect they are not driving the right people through. Always a problem, I know.

Worth chasing them for that info I feel. I would!

(writing this on a laptop in hotel day before my seminar)

-header graphic's fine
-body copy's excellent, nice workmanship
-good use of j-boxes

headline needs work

subhead instead of 'have you struggled', i'd put that pain s/h later in copy, use a bene like "develop instant credibility and persuasive power by knowing exactly what to say and when to say it in just 7 minutes a day...'
(hey that's good enough to work into a main headline too..)

-byline and 'print this page' link/pic disrupts flow of copy from headline into body copy

-put the cable tv spot copy higher, it's a draw

- agree w/alan re not clear what i'm getting, i read something about cd to install flash cards...what is it I'm getting again? show me a screencap..

-dont use word 'pay just'... pay's like 'sign here' ... use 'invest only..' or similar.. painful word, 'pay'

-i like the 'priority order form' jbox

-testimonials should be spaced out, not at bottom

-where the bonuses should be... (where are they?)

-no link to 'physical address here' at bottom..


overall you've done a nice job on the hard work of the body copy + graphic elements... hope the tips above are useful...

now back to reading my Carlton 'power words' handout to try and remember a lot of the words to use in my seminar tomorrow...

i'm using the same powerpoint bkgrd you chose for your excellent dvd seminar Mike, nice choice, thx..

thx Mike for the tips on the seminar salesletter, it's nice to have a sold-out full house to play to... and my brioni suit even made it here from hawaii w/o a wrinkle


aloha,

ken

Absolutely a must!

Hi Michel,

This is a really interesting one. Mainly because of who it should be targeted at and what the "hook" should be.

Would I be right in thinking that this might be a product that could help us copywriters? If so, the current appeal didn't work for me. They specifically say in the video clip that it would help entrepreneurs and small business people, but that didn't come across to me in the top part of the copy.

Initially, the focus came across to me as being on middle-managers or general employees who want to get on. I tried to put myself into that position from my days in the corporate world, and I just couldn't buy into the "better vocabulary" idea. My vocabulary is better than average, and I saw people with fairly poor english get promoted ahead of me. In my mind, there were other factors at play (creeping to the boss, being in the right place at the right time, being the face that fits etc.)

Also, I feel there needs to be a distinction made between vocabulary and communication skills. My boyfriend has an excellent vocab, but his communication skills are woeful. I would say that a good vocab is a sub-set of superior communication, but superior vocab does not necessarily lead to superior communication.

Also, in my mind, there are other factors which lead to people garnering respect and being put into leadership roles. There are such things as "prestance", presence, authority, confidence etc. Again, good communication skills are a sub-set of the overall package.

So for me, the argument that a superior vocabulary leads directly to a promotion or success doesn't work. As I am probably in the target market for this product, this might be something to consider.

I would still use the studies re: vocab, but maybe put them further down, but I don't think better vocab should be the central theme. I think there was also a contradiction where you say "and even if you think you have an above-average vocabulary (and really, is that saying all that much?)".

The way it's written at the moment it seems that you are implying that people must be losers if they're not winners, and that they must be a loser if they don't have powerful communication skills. Is there a danger of offending the audience by implying that they are losers?

But probably more important than any of that, is who are your best prospects for this product?
- people in hum-drum jobs?
- college students?
- emerging entrepreneurs and small business people?
- senior corporate executives?
- middle-management?
- immigrants who want to improve their english?

If we take Peter's rule of "I don't want to speak to the person embarking on their 1st diet, I want to talk to the person on their 34th or 35th diet ..." then would it make sense to target it at people who are already moderately successful and ditch the stuff about winners and losers (cos who wants to consider themselves a loser?). People who already recognise that spending money on learning and education will drive them forward to the next milestone in their success? The ever greens? Will the robots in a cubicle in the accounts department really recognise and seize the opportunity before them?

(And I didn't really get the reference to homogeneity in the workplace - it sounds like the 50s typing pool or a bit Orwellian).

The video did it for me. I've never heard of Michelle Blood - but she's great - so enthusiastic, and Joanna and Greg came across as very sincere people with a good product. I think all of the copy is in there

I would suggest doing several different versions of the copy to appeal to each of the target markets. For example, if you were to write some copy for small business people then I'd like to hear about how I can write reports more quickly, get my ideas communicated, be successful in persuading the bank to loan me money, be successful in persuading customers to buy from me, command respect at networking meetings, write powerful reports and talks that help my marketing etc. Could this product help me do those things?

Would entrepreneurs be an easier sell than workers struggling to get a promotion?

And then college kids would need a different appeal altogether.

Am I off-track or does that help?

Jane

No Jane, you're right on. I've told this to my client. This copy is the result of several rewrites based on the client's wishes. He's done extensive surveys where it was found that students and "working professionals" were the 2 highest respondents. But that's vague -- and I told him he should have 2 letters at 2 different markets (if not more).

Great feedback! Thanks.

How about now?

1) I rewrote/redesign it completely.

1) Tests show that headlines and headers in red outpulled up to 26.58% over black ones. So it's now in red.

2) Revamped to a 1-click ordering process -- 2 or more clicks to order reduces sales substantially. (Remember the old '2-click' rule in ecommerce.)

3) New headline. I'm using the Bencivenga "If/then" qualifying criteria in headline. In one test, simply adding "if/then" to a headline beat the original control by 76.92%.

4) This board, and others, said the language was too condescending, and I agree (i.e., "if you don't know Power Words, therefore you MUST be a loser"). So I took that out COMPLETELY. No cubicles. No "champ vs. chump" lingo.

5) You also mentioned: a) you didn't know what the program was all about (until you read way down the letter), and b) the clincher in almost all cases was the video. So, I added more descriptive copy at the top, and moved the video right up front.

All this should be a dramatic improvement.

Anyway, same link as before: http://successdoctor.com/projects/ev/

Yes it's a dramatic improvement, eg now I feel like buying it instead of critiquing it :P

Shows better linkage and flow w/benefits, the tone of your sales message comes together much more effectively without the speed bumps of the earlier version.

To test:
1) current background is purple, any reason why not blue?
nice visual impact ... worth a split test...

2) the headline mentions improved grades...is there a more
business-oriented benefit that would niche the pitch tighter?

Superb workmanship on the salesletter, eg I feel like ordering the product vs talking about it. Excellent blend of top-notch copy, testimonials, jboxes, graphics and the rest. Looks like a winner.

and thanks for the if/then and sig under headline ideas, am testing in my site now...

ken

Peter, where did your post go??? I wanted to read it over ... It had some real nuggets! Did you delete it?

Caught! I emailed it to you, but here's what's going on. This is the email I sent to you.

I took this off the forum. Somehow, I'm uncomfortable ripping your copy apart in public. Here is the post, as it appeared:

I'm always uncomfortable talking about your copy, Michel. I imagine I would feel the same telling Elvis something about singing and performing on stage. (More hips... more with the hips and less vibrato, Elvis).

Here's the quote from Bensivenga: "When you say IF (followed by a requirement your prospects have to meet), it seems to magically switch off and bypass their Yeah, Sure alarm and usher you right in their front door to sell.

Surprisingly, it even works when you make the requirement easy to meet.

And now you know the winner, headline A:

If you've got 20 minutes a month,
I guarantee to work a financial miracle
in your life".

The mechanism requires a challenge in order to function with full impact. "If you can lift your leg so that you foot is 6 inches off the floor then you can lose up to 13 pounds and be on your way to a ripped six pack of abs in the next 12 days...".

It's the challenge that acts to preoccupy that last bit of critical thinking that's always present when a headline is read. The challenge engages critical thinking into processing the challenge. The challenge is simple and solved in a split second and quiets critical thinking - it's done its job.

Your headline lacks the challenge. I'm not saying it's a bad headline. Just pointing out something about that particular tool. I hope it's of help and that I don't sound like a pompous, pedantic, twit.

I added two words to the prehead. They appear in blue). They are in line with my thinking that people interested in this product want more power over their life and circumstances and control over how they are percieved by others, also influence.

"You're about to learn how to build and master a deeper, richer and more powerful vocabulary faster than you ever thought possible..."

"(And No, It's NOT Memorizing New Words.)" - Perfect. I really like this.


"If you want to excel in business, in school and in all your relationships, this program is the key! The Executive Vocabulary System has helped countless people incorporate Power Words™ into their daily lives to:

I edited out the word "their" in the following bullets, because whenever a self-improvement product is sold, there's alway a voice in the prospects mind that says: "Sure, the product looks fine and it worked for them, but I bet it won't work for me". It's a disbelief in themselves. Use of the word "their" accentuates this phenomena, I think.

Boost careers to new heights;

Increase self-confidence;

Sell more products and more services;

Develop instant credibility and high regard among peers;

Make more powerful, high impact presentations;

Create stronger, impressions that last and last;

Write more clearly and persuasively;

Gain a winning edge over the competition;

Improve grades (overall, and not just in English); ("Not Just..."-Really good)

Ace job interviews and excel in performance reviews;

Strengthen customer, social and even family relationships with poise, self-control and clearer communication

I think the following set of bullets can be developed a bit further.

Tests you and tracks your progress. (So that)
Helps you identify and conquer trouble words. (So that)
Ensures you assimilate every single "Power Word" completely into your own, day-to-day vocabulary.
Guarantees you know the correct spelling of every word.
Allows you to manually select trouble words you want to master (the program can automatically select them, too).
Lets you edit the examples to create your own personal usage (great for your presentation, plan, proposal or paper).
Gives you the ability to add words.

It really is a fine letter, of course. I'm sure you would have caught these details in edits.

Please tell me if I have been too blunt.


Peter Stone