After reading through the great posts about Yellow Pages ads in the General Discussion area, I've written a sales letter offering Yellow Page ad copywriting and design services.

Would you be so kind as to critique it? Thanks very much to anyone who responds!

Here it is (the formatting isn't coming out, but of course the bulleted items would be indented):

December 21, 2005

Want to double, triple, even quadruple your Yellow Pages ad response rate? (this is the headline and would be in large, bold type)

Dear xxx,

Your Yellow Pages ad is due in just a month. Will you use the same ad as last year, or would you like an ad that will boost your response rate?

My name is Janet Beatrice. I’m a professional copywriter. My designer and I can create an ad that uses solid principles of marketing that are specifically geared towards Yellow Page ads. For instance, did you know that:

• Yellow Page ads must be written differently from other print ads. Why? First, because customers are ready to buy, and second, because your ad is side by side with competing ads.

• A compelling headline is just one of many factors that can boost response rates. Yet your Yellow Pages representative’s design probably uses your company name and logo as the headline – big mistake!

• Yellow Page ad representatives receive no copywriting training, so they don’t know how to write an ad that will put you ahead of your competition. Besides, they’re doing the same job for your competition!

These are just a few reasons to hire a professional.

Let your Yellow Pages ad work harder for you while you sit back and reap the benefits. Contact me today at janet@scribeforhire.net or at 978-897-5444.

Best regards,


Janet Beatrice
Scribe for Hire

Janet,

Great start - here are some suggestions....

*Where's your P.S ?


*Your first sentence isnt a natural continuation of your headline. It backtracks. Here's what I mean: Your headline says: "Want to double, triple, even quadruple your Yellow Pages ad response rate?"

Naturally, the answer is yes. So start your line as if your prospect answered 'yes' to your question. Like if we were having a chat and you said 'by the way, would you like to double or quadruple your ad response?' I answer yes. You wouldn say 'your ad is due in a month' - can you see what I mean?

"Want to double, triple, even quadruple your Yellow Pages ad response rate? "

Good! Because...

*Ok the section where you say you are a professional copywriter, I'm not 100% sure they will understand you. Many think you do copyright laws. So tell them you write to bring businesses more sales. Nobody can misunderstand that. Or if you must use professional copywriter, then put in brackets exactly what that means.

*I don't like this sentence...

"My designer and I can create an ad that uses solid principles of marketing that are specifically geared towards Yellow Page ads"

It sounds too textbook. And state one idea per sentence. That way, they won't need to re-read.

Re-word it and leave your designer out.

Sorry for the hurried feedback, Im sure you will get lots more. Hope this helps.

Thanks Sammer, great feedback!

Janet

Here's my new letter, edited to incorporate Sammer's ideas and suggestions:

December 21, 2005

Want to double, triple, even quadruple your
Yellow Page ad response rate?

Dear xxx,

You can multiply your return on your Yellow Page ad investment. Your ad is due in just a month. Will you use the same one as last year, or would you like an ad that will boost your response rate?

My name is Janet Beatrice. I’m a professional marketing writer, helping businesses write persuasive ads, web content, etc., to increase their sales. Not all marketing writers know the secrets of writing Yellow Page ads. For instance, did you know that:

• Yellow Page ads must be written differently from other print ads. Why? First, because customers are ready to buy, and second, because your ad is side by side with competing ads.

• A compelling headline is just one of many factors that can boost response rates. Yet your Yellow Pages representative’s design probably uses your company name and logo as the headline – big mistake!

• Yellow Page ad representatives receive no copywriting training, so they don’t know how to write an ad that will put you ahead of your competition. Besides, they’re doing the same job for your competition!

These are just a few reasons to hire a professional.

Let your Yellow Pages ad work harder for you while you sit back and reap the benefits. Contact me today at janet@scribeforhire.net or at 978-897-5444.

Best regards,


Janet Beatrice
Scribe for Hire

P.S. Because I take time with every ad, I can only accept seven new clients before your ad is due. So don’t wait to call! I’ll be glad to discuss your needs, at no obligation.

I don't see anything in that letter that builds your credibility and proves your value. If I am an advertiser, I know that anybody can write that letter and offer those services but I want to work with someone who will get results. I want to know who you have helped before and how you helped them. Why not link to an online page with case studies, before and afters, and testimonials?

Also, you need to say in the letter why they should hire you...what is your experience? How many ads have you done before? Things like that.

You're on the right track robbins2001us... but a challenge here might be that Janet hasn't done these before. I think that's been the theme in the YP thread.

Janet, you will need to deal with this in some way. Remove the objection or doubt. If you have testimonials from other copy projects, use those... preferrably performance-related ones. Toot your horn a little with a "Who is JanetB?"

Also, you can use Risk-Reversal... they'll pay a deposit, but you won't cash the check for 30 days... etc. etc.

Also, as a work-around... perhaps you should "make over" 3 - 5 YP ads. You could showcase them... point out why they'll out pull the old ad.

I think if you go back and look at your letter, you can find some more persuasive reasons why the should respond to you. Where's the pain -- spending all that money whether the ad pulls or not. Etc.

In my opinion, that's a REALLY BAD paragraph. You're assuming. What if they DO have a headline... and it just SUCKS... you blew the opportunity to sell them because they'll know you didn't write the letter just to them.

When we meet, you will learn:

* A little-known technique that can boost response to your yellow pages ad by 300% to 450% -- and why 97% of all yellow pages advertisers fail to use it... costing them thousands of dollars in lost sales each year

(Technique is the headline... reasone why: YP reps write their ads for them and are taught in RepSchool to put the logo at the top)

One final thought...

PICK UP THE PHONE and call some prospects (don't be afraid of the phone)... use your letter as a "script" of sorts -- or talking points. Test the copy, the approach and the offer that way.

A) You'll cover a lot of ground faster
B) You'll test your copy quickly... I know of some other BIG GUN copywriters who test in this way. It gives you instantaneous feedback.

and... record the calls... you'll get better with each call... and you'll get some live feedback from real people.

(close your eyes and repeat 10 times, "the phone is my friend" )

Hope that helps!

PS: JanetB... thanks for having the courage to post this initial pitch letter FIRST!!! No one else has done this yet. Hopefully others who plan to pursue this avenue will put something up too.

Thanks Robbins & JP,

I just got off the phone with the designer Ed Haskins recommended. She's very nice, and I have to warn anyone thinking of calling her, I'm going to convince her to raise her prices soon.

But after reading your messages, I've decided to first offer free - oops, I mean "no-fee" - ads in return for two testimonials - one after the ad is completed and the client is happy with it - another after the client has had a chance to measure the response, provided it has increased.

I'll also need permission to post before and after versions of the ads.

Does that sound reasonable?

Now that I have a designer who is experienced with these ads, I have another very good selling point.

Thanks!

Janet

Personally... I'm not sure you need to go with FREE, no-fee etc.

Just use Risk-Reversal...

"I get paid in the following way:

* "You write me a check for $1000, $2000, $500 or whatever. But, I'll hold that check until 90-days after the book comes out. When you see that the response to the ad is better than your previous ad, I'll cash the check (Note: not sure you even need to do this... but if you're willing to do it for no money... it can't hurt you)

* testimonials

* permission to use ad in marketing

* referrals

------------

Final thought: Unless you're unsure of your ability to produce an ad that outpulls their existing ad, I can't see why you're not charging something for your work. And, if you're not sure you can outpull... you might want to really think this through. You're "gambling" with a year's worth of ad money, and prospective business for each client you write for. You might ask Alan if he offers a "once over" type critique (for a small fee) for his "students" who've bought his book. At least on the first 3-5 ads you produce... to make sure you're on the right track.

Why would you want to do that for?

I'm sure Ed will be sending you a "thank you" e-mail soon. hahahaha

J-