Hi,

I'm new and have been studying a monthly copywriting program and have gotten some real good stuff from it along with this site and some others.

One of my clients I do marketing for has allowed me to practice some of the copywriting skills I'm learning, however, a lot of the stuff i come up with, he's extremely nervous to try.

He sells at-home teeth whitening systems and heres the copy I have on his site. Its been up for about 2 weeks now because it has increased his sales. Here is the link:

http://www.prowhiteteeth.com

I didn't want to put the price at the top - he insisted and won't back down. He was reluctant to let me put everything on 1 full page but finally did (content & order page on same page).

I've experimented with different headlines and body copy, but this seems to work best. On average, I've increased his sales to about an extra 4 sales per day and has been that way for the last 2 weeks since I modified the copy/content.

I made some changes and tried some testing the other day and sales dropped 50%, not a good move..

What I need to know, could the right copy increase sells by more than 4 sales a day? He has a conversion rate of 2.2%

The reason is the competition in this industry is fierce on line. Average cost per click for the major terms are $3 - $4 bucks a click.

Whats funny, I'd think "teeth whitening" would be the best term, but by far, its the most under-performing term and cost a ton of money. He may spend $700 just to get 1 sale, 2 if lucky.

Is something I'm doing wrong?

We're going to try our hand at direct mail, but I wanted to get the web copy perfected to possibly use that in the letter?

any advise is appreciated. I'm new to copywriting and I think I may be trying to soak to much in all to fast...

Carl

Me again, I forgot....have any of you had experience on what to say to a potential client who isn't willing to open up and try some of the techniques you suggest?

My initial copy talked more about how they benefit from teeth whitening, prettier, and how people now pay attention to them, etc...

He hated it and didn't even try it. Plus they feel my font is to big and hate the big headlines, they think its unprofessional.

Carl

Well if the client is telling you how to do your job, fire them. They will end up blaming you for any unsatisfactory results so you need to take control and tell it to them as it is.

Re the site, if thi copy is pulling in 2.2% then it can skyrocket as there are dozens of things to imrpove it.

It boasts it has 22% bleach in it - I didnt read anything about safety. I mean is stuffing your mouth with all that peroxide safe? Will your tongue turn snow white as well? Id put that word safe somewhere in the headline or sub headline.

You can take the first two paragraphs out entirely, its just blabber. You dont need to warm the reader up. Just give them the strongest benefit first. So starting with "Whiter & brighter teeth.." will have more impact than the rambling "In a effort to make..." See what I'm saying?

The guarantee should be in its own separate text box and highlighed. It'll be easier for the reader to miss it if they skim over the copy.

You say upfront that thousands of men and women from all over the world have been using it and love it yet there isnt a single testimonial to PROVE what youre saying. a 2.2% conversion wiothout testimonials is staggering.


Thats just a VERY ROUGH outline..there are dozens more...hopefully others will chip in, I've got a flight to catch

I thought that there were other hot-buttons that you could have included such as:
- do it in the comfort of your own home
- 10 times cheaper (or whatever) than a trip to the dentist
- avoid the dentist

The point is to get into the target's mind and find out what's so appealing about being able to do your own teeth whitening.

I also found all the product choices to be confusing, and this could dampen sales. Also, when I was initially reading the copy, it seemed as though I should know and understand how tooth whitening works, so I was getting a bit confused with the technical aspects of it.

Hope this helps,
Jane

Thank you so much for the 2 reviews so far - I'm about to rework those 2 paragraphs and it should be up in the next 30-45 minutes. I just spoke with owner and he is willing to give me 2 full weeks of total control. So we'll see what happens.

If I remove the various options - is there a way I could get those back in some how. 1 system contains more gel than the other and customers purchase each system about 50-50. I agree - I think we're losing some because its to many to choose from.

Also, concerning an email list - I used to have a subscribe box there, but we only get about 2-3 sign-ups per day. I read thru your forums and apparently, people are mailing to their list daily, weekly and monthly. I've been racking my brain trying to figure why someone would sign-up for teeth whitening list and what could i possibly send them in email everyday, week, or month...I did email his customer base for a discount on gel purchases and the results were amazing.

But, we can only do that about every 3 months. I hear you all pushing the fact we need to make more money from existing customers - but we don't have any other products or ideas to work with to generate more revenue.

thanks,
Carl

Boy I was mistaking when I thought I could put that stuff together in 45 minutes.

Here are the links to the before page and the link to the homepage which has the updated stuff based on the input I received so far. Let me know your thoughts:

Before: http://www.prowhiteteeth.com/before.html

Updated Version Which is Now Live: http://www.prowhiteteeth.com

thanks for the input - I plan to reshuffle the packages so that there aren't to many options to choose from, but can't think what to do now. We sell a lot of each package, one is basically $25 of pure profit and hate to lose that by getting rid of it.

thanks,
Carl

Come on folks - please help me out...sales have dropped today, but were up Friday. I don't know if its my copy.

I can sure use your advise and expertise. I've made changes per the suggestions and would like your feedback.

Thanks a million.
Carl

I didn't actually read the copy. The colors were too offensive. I like the 'before' page layout better. Try to tone it down a bit.