Maybe we can introduce each other to our cast-asides.

Janet

P.S. I was dating a very sweet guy from Medford this past fall - wonder if you two would get along?

Hi dlamont,

#8
You use auditory references like,

"Hear me out and I'll tell you"

"... and what if I told you that you could obtain this goal WITH EASE?"

" Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?"

"...and everything in between. You name it."

"And let me tell you... I've been through it all"

"And let me tell you RIGHT NOW that you WILL achieve this success..."

There's nothing really wrong with them just that I'd suggest hitting more modalities as you said paint pictures intermixed with auditory ones.

For instance instead of saying, "Hear me out and I'll tell you" you might test "Let me show you." Or, "What if I told you" to "What if I showed you."

#9
Regarding the story right about when you started talking about the man who showed you. There's was so much "I" in it by then that I started to wonder why you were telling me all that.

Stories are great and you have a pretty compelling one. I'd just look for a way to draw the reader into the story and relate it to them.

For example you say "thought" in reference to you 8 times and in reference to your reader like 3 times. So when you say, "I'm not surprised, I thought..." that's cool. Another way to say it is "Not surprising is it?" That's not great but hopefully you get the idea.

One more
I also noticed you have a "Bbut" in your copy. I'd run spellchecker.

CopySnoop
I ran your copy through a program I wrote called CopySnoop. Here's the most popular words in your copy and how many times they appear. Just fyi.

Modality Words
tell => 18
hear => 5
show => 3
feel => 3

Most Popular (20):
I => 226
you => 211
to => 207
my => 71
me => 70
women => 57
your => 57
was => 52
online => 51
have => 49
just => 46
all => 43
even => 39
on => 38
can => 38
be => 36
but => 36
will => 34
how => 34
what => 33

I dumped my girlfriend last month and have been single for a few weeks now so I guess I am part of your target market.

I liked the head. Bullets and sub-head were OK. First few lines after "Dear Friend" made me yawn and click off. (But for the purposes of writing this post I read on)

Asking me if I am happy with the amount of attention im getting off women kinda insulted my intelligence a bit. If I was I wouldn't have continued reading after I read your headline. Same with the next line.

I think you may have a hard time targetting both people looking for love and people just looking for sex. Have you thought about just targetting one or the other? At least then you could make the copy a bit more personal and use a better greeting than "Dear Friend".

Reading your copy I think it will appeal more to someone looking for love. All the stuff about crying and you've had it harder than anyone else is a bit of a downer for a young bloke like me that's just looking for an easy way to meet lots of hot babes.

Wow, VDMP... Great response. Again, I am definitely addressing everything you've suggested thus far.

And thanks again to everyone for the critiques. If anyone has more, keep them coming. I appreciate it.