Hi all,

My client is nervous that the lead-gen letter I wrote for him is too "sales-y". Without me going into the nitty-gritty details of our back-and-forth, can someone provide some objective feedback? This letter will be in print, sent to an audience of estate planners, accountants, lawyers and other financial advisors. The goal is to pique their interest enough to get them to attend a short webinar.

(Took the link down, have some work to do! Thanks everyone!)


Too over-the-top for this lot? Not enough? Too long? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I've been staring at it for so long. It's a rather new service/new market... so it's unchartered territory.

Thank you in advance!

Hi Sue,

I know I'm not the target market for this letter, but I think it's not "salesy" enough. And I couldn't get past your headline. I didn't really want to read further. Sorry.

Thanks, Rachel. My client feels otherwise, hence my struggle (this is actually the toned-down version of the letter which he's still not comfortable with). Any suggestions for a better headline approach since you feel this one doesn't work?

Too salesy? My goodness, did he tell you what part seemed to be screaming with hype? It doesn't seem salesy at all. I mean - not even remotely at all salesy.

This reminds me of something I learned from Tina Lorenz. You have to let them know that you're the expert, not them. If he wants you to write something that is even less "salesy" than this, it's going to be his copywriting fee down the tube. You need to let him know that if you tone it down even more, nobody is going to visit his website.

I think rewording the headline as follows would be more clear and help the reader understand why he/she should pay attention:

"Your Clients May Have a Valuable Asset at Their Fingertips and Not Even Know It. Do You?"

Then, for the deck copy, try:

"If your clients over 65 could get financial relief from their unwanted life insurance policies, wouldn't you want them to know? If you don't know what a Life Settlement is, you owe it to them to read this letter."

But that is likely to seem way over the top to your client.

The second paragraph may lose the reader's interest, as its significance isn't revealed until later on. In fact, I think you could cut it out altogether - try it and see.

I can't figure out why a company would buy someone's unwanted life insurance policy. I think knowing this would add credibility.

I hope this is helpful.

Janet

Thanks, Janet, you're the best. Your suggestions make perfect sense. I've honestly gone over this letter so many times with him, my eyes are glazing over and I just can't look at the copy objectively anymore.

You're right that I need to demonstrate my expertise. We had a call today in which I think I got my point across, telling him that most people are going to just scan the letter for pertinent information and that we need to hook them right away. But he was so anxious about the tone of the letter that I really felt I needed to step away from the situation and get some fresh opinions. He even had a family member look at it, who took out all of the subheaders and anything remotely sales-y and condensed it to several long blocks of text! Aye.

I have some work to do. Thanks again.

omg, you're bringing back painful memories. When they show it to their family and friends, that's the worst.

Hi Sue,

I applaud your effort to try to save this letter. You probably already know this. Be brutally honest with them. I'd tell them this letter or a weaker version of it will fail. It has no chance of working.

It's obvious they don't know their audience, they don't know how to sell to them and they definitely don't know how to sell to them with copy.

Here's the more than obvious problems.

1. The benefits suck. Their professional reputation and responsibility? Ask any attorney if that's all he cares about with his clients. They'll less than politely say, "Oh sure" and walk away.

2. It's all about money. The letter has virtually no money pitch in it. Looks like they're afraid to promise anything other than they'll be seen as unprofessional. How much will they make? How many customers will they steal? How many more hours can they bill? How much more commission can they pocket?

3. They're either pro's with no real problem getting clients or they're low on the totem pole with senior partners and kick-a** financial advisors above them snapping up the lucrative clients. That means they're struggling to get to the top. Their competition isn't other organizations since attorney's and accountants regularly move from firm to firm. Their competition is within their company to get the billable hours and commissions.

4. I take it back, there's a vague money pitch at the end. Try this, write the letter backwards. In the p.s. is your test headline. e.g. Who else wants a piece of the $160 Billion Life Settlement Market...And discover the secrets to getting more commissions and billable hours from your existing clients quickly and easily.

That can be a special report that's easily crafted. Three main ideas that all businesses can use; research, marketing, follow-up. Or whatever other three things. It's simple.

I wish you the best. This is a challenging project. Cheers

Kawika, THANK YOU for your extremely helpful take on this piece. I completely agree with the obvious money "what's in it for me" angle. The client refuses to go there. He feels strongly that his audience is first and foremost worried about neglecting their fiduciary obligations. I've asked repeatedly what's in it for these professionals other than the hero factor, and he gave me a vague reply about the possibility of sharing in the commissions that result from the sale of these policies, but it's clear he hasn't yet ironed out those details. It's a completely brand-new venture.

This whole project has definitely been a challenge, from start to finish. And shame on me for not being more insistent about the approach from the start. I'm going to write a another draft and then discuss the different angles with him next week.