What do you say... when you have very little to say?

JP Maroney · **What do you say... when you have very little to say? -** 02-28-2005, 12:14 PM

(Note: Background first... my question is at the end)

I have a consulting client. A Chiropractic Office in a small town... about 20,000 people. He emailed me the following note -- and picture.

Quote:

I was wondering if you could write a small press release for me. Pierce Chiropractic and Troop 153 donated 100 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to the Crisis Center of Anderson and Cherokee Counties. We have a great picture of me and Donald Hammock (Executive Director) holding arm loads of cookie boxes with the Pierce Chiropractic sign right behind us.

From that... I wrote the following (note: I'm waiting on a couple of things from him... as you'll read):

Quote:

100 FREE Boxes of Girl Scout Cookies Donated
to Crises Center of Anderson and Cherokee
Counties by Local Chiropractor’s Office

Jacksonville, TX – February 28, 2005 – The Crises Center of Anderson and Cherokee Counties can now provide (residents… what do they call them?) with delicious Girl Scout Cookies, thanks to a 100 box donation from Jacksonville’s Pierce Chiropractic on behalf of Brownie Troop 153.

<quote from Crisis Center Director> What it means to them… How much they appreciate it… etc., etc.

“Most everyone loves Girl Scout Cookies,” says Dr. Steven Pierce, D.C. “We thought it was a nice way to share a little treat with some people experiencing tough times.” Pierce’s youngest daughter is a member of Brownie Troop 153, and his wife is troop leader.

About Crises Center of Anderson and Cherokee Counties
<Need info>

About Pierce Chiropractic
Dr. Steven Pierce, D.C. is a chiropractor with more than fifteen years experience. Pierce Chiropractic, located in Jacksonville at 1732 S. Jackson, treats patients for spinal rehabilitation, treatment of shoulder, elbow, wrist, hip, knee and ankle problems, and management of auto and work-related injuries. For more information, call 903-586-0808.
About Girl Scouts of the USA

Girl Scouts of the USA is the preeminent organization for girls with more than 3 million girl and adult members. Now in its 93rd year, Girl Scouting cultivates character, social conscience, and self-esteem in girls while teaching them the critical life skills to succeed as adults. For more information on how to join, volunteer, or donate to the Girl Scouts, call (800) GSUSA 4 U [(800) 478-7248] or visit www.girlscouts.org.
###

QUESTION:

What would you have done with this assignment? I realize it's not a huge story... but how can we get maximum bang from it?

Erik Mulder

I would probably have worked the "plug" into the story instead of just posting 3 bio's at the end... because the last 2 or 3 paragraphs have a high change of being cut off I'd think

What I would do for instance....

Quote:

100 FREE Boxes of Girl Scout Cookies Donated
to Crises Center of Anderson and Cherokee
Counties by Local Chiropractor’s Office

Jacksonville, TX – February 28, 2005 – The Crises Center of Anderson and Cherokee Counties can now provide (residents… what do they call them?) with delicious Girl Scout Cookies, thanks to a 100 box donation from Jacksonville’s Pierce Chiropractic on behalf of Brownie Troop 153.

<quote from Crisis Center Director> What it means to them… How much they appreciate it… etc., etc.

“Most everyone loves Girl Scout Cookies,” says Dr. Steven Pierce, D.C., who's been treating people with spinal, shoulder, arm and leg problems in Jacksonville for the past 15 years. “We thought it was a nice way to share a little treat with some people experiencing tough times.” Pierce’s youngest daughter is a member of Brownie Troop 153, and his wife is troop leader.

(Connection to how it has helped the Center, and then a short, one-line paragraph with contact info for dr Pierce. This final one-liner is very common)

I think this way you'll have less of a chance to be "chopped off", because currently, the last 2 paragraphs are pretty risky. And even if you are (I doubt it), than you would have still injected the Doctor's services into the body of the message.

That's what I'd do. Good luck!

(P.s. Definitely include a picture! It's great... just a bigger format though

)

JP Maroney

Thanks, Erik... good comments.

Another question... would you "Beef Up" the headline, or leave it fairly straight... to fly under the "hype detectors" at the newspaper?

Erik Mulder

I would tone it down rather than beef it up. In length that is

Possibly have it say:

Local Chiropracter Donates 100 Boxes of Girl Scout Cookies

OR

Local Chiropracter Treats Crises Center to Girl Scout Cookies

Or something like it. Maybe the second one will fly because it stops the reader at "treat"... is it about a treatment or a treat?

Nothing too strong came into my head but I'm sure you'll find a good angle.

Erik,

Clever use of the word "treat" - I like it!! Not bad for someone whose first language isn't english

Jane

Erik Mulder

Quote:

Originally Posted by janeology

Erik,

Clever use of the word "treat" - I like it!! Not bad for someone whose first language isn't english

Jane

Thanks Jane!

I'm trying to pick up as much as I can but not having English as a native language can still be a pretty big obstacle (especially in terms of expressions and "everyday language")... but I'm learning more and more to cross it.

I plan to go to the US for a while and read more of the National Enquirer (yeah, really) to get the hang of it... I visited England and Ireland already but what I really need right now is a trip across the pond

Cheerio

Timothy Warnock

Yeah Erik, you do very well considering it's your second language - I can't write well at all in Italian... it's tough.

Anyway, JP, I would try and make it more of a teaser... otherwise it risks coming across kind of boring.

Maybe something like:

Crises Center Full Of Smiles After "Sweet Treatment" By Local Chiropractor

It takes Erik's play on words further - and gets the curiosity going in the right direction towards your client, just a thought.

Tim

JP Maroney

Thanks Erik, Jane & Tim...

I tried to avoid being too cute with the headline for fear of losing the message or getting "round filed" by the editor.

But, I agree that your headlines are more lively. I've put a call in to my client to see if he has distributed the releases yet. If not, I will probably substitute in a different headline.

If it's too late, this will be a great exercise and lesson for next time.

Thanks!