Hi.

I'm a new member, although I've spent some time and read a lot of the old posts. Good info.

I'm working on a salesletter which is starting out with a story.
Now, the story got sort of long... but I have no idea how to shorten it w/o losing the essence of it.

My prospective client is someone searching for something to help with the grief when they have lost a pet. (And is a female most probably, posibly with a spiritual inclination)

The wordcount of the story is 538.

Is that a def. no-no?

I'm still working on the story, it needs some polishing...but maybe I'll post it here anyway?


3 months ago Karen had to make the painful decision to end Jake’s life.
Jake, a westie terrier, was 14 years old and clearly, he was
suffering with arthritis which made it hard for him to go to
the “toilet” let alone move at all without pain, and he was
also almost blind.

After an episode of Jake having to be hospitalized due to uncontrolled vomiting, Karen decided it was time.

After the loss of Jake, Karen was unable to sleep or even
go to work.
Her grief was immense. Besides the huge empty hole
that Jake left in her life, there was one vision that plagued Karen.

At the vets when the decision had been made to euthanize Jake, Karen was not able to be in the room to hold Jake as he left.
She just could not bring herself to see him slip away.

The vision of Jake’s almost blind eyes pleadingly (at least that is how Karen felt) looking into hers as she walked out of the room and left him to die. (Again, that was how Karen felt) was seen and felt
anytime she closed her eyes. It was a vision that was “killing her”.

Karen’s emotions were strong, immediate and made her feel desperate.

EFT proved to be a life saver for her. She tapped a LOT
the first few days using especially the “picture release” which she claims restored her to a place of more sanity.

Doing the EFT tapping, which often helps people to
connect to a deep source of understanding, on the “pleading eyes” Karen had a deep insight that the eyes were not pleading,
they were full of love and gratitude. Thanking her for helping him to end his suffering.

Now Karen wept with relief. (And so did I)
Using the loving gentleness of TAT, Karen was able to
communicate to Jake how she felt about not being present
when he went..
The result of that “communication” was a sense of Peace, Love and Connection.

But there were many more pieces to the grief.

All the things they had shared together now felt empty.
Seeing Jake’s empty bed, (she had not been able to dispose of it) walking the paths she had walked with Jake for so many years, and now she walked them alone...
The thought of the future without Jake. Waking up without
him in the morning. Not buying Christmas gifts for him ever again…

Karen did EFT and TAT as she was shown to do in the program, and while she would get fast immediate relief with EFT, she also began to get a whole different perspective of her connection with Jake.

While she still misses her Jake, Karen can now remember the wonderful times they shared with more joy in her heart,
she also feels that she is still connected with Jake on a much deeper level. A connection based on Freedom, Love and a knowing
that she has, that they are still together, it is just not in a physical way.

While Karen is still working through her loss,- it is still very recent-, she is able to do so while empowered and, (which happens
frequently when doing EFT) while gaining deep spiritual insights.

OK, so that's it.

Sorry my first post is so long.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. (I've got thick skin)


Evita

I think the story starts out well enough. But then you start using terms like EFT tapping and TAT.

Does your audience know those acronyms?

If I had a pet that died, I wouldn't have a clue as to what you are talking about. It is too much therapy lingo and too technical.

Your audience wants to know that you have a solution for their grief and they want to know how you will provide that solution in the most simple language possible.

Hey, Evita, I'm new here too. But I'm a longtime editor; maybe I can help with your story. (I'm with Suzanne—I can only help up to the point when you start using the insider jargon. I don't know what EFT or tapping is, so you lose me less than halfway through.)

I don't think your story is too long. The problem I see with your story is that the focus is off. You want the reader to identify with Karen, to feel her pain and ultimately to seek the solution that she found so effective in easing it. But you're writing to pet lovers, and pet lovers don't care about Karen. They care about pets. Jake is your star here. Make your reader care about Jake, and he will automatically identify with Karen.

I would start with a short anecdote, maybe 3 sentences, showing us (your readers) what an active, happy boy Jake was back in the day. Westies are darling little dogs; give us something to visualize here, and make us understand that Jake was just as lovable to Karen as our own dogs are to us.

In the next paragraph, another 2 or 3 sentences, cast a shadow on that happy picture. Show us how arthritis began to make Jake's life a torment when it used to be a joy. Show us how his increasing blindness made it impossible for him to enjoy even the simplest pleasures. (I wouldn't use problems pooping as my example here; we need something more sympathetic that you can describe comfortably, without needing to use quote marks.)

Then I would go for the jugular. Introduce Karen, Jake's owner, who can't stand it any more. She decides to have Jake put down. Show us Karen in the vet's office. Show us how she turns away from those blind pleading eyes and leaves Jake on that cold table to die alone.

I would end the story with a quote from Karen: "The memory was killing me. I couldn't eat or sleep. All I could think about was Jake, my best friend for 14 years, and how I abandoned him when he needed me most. I didn't think I could ever get over that." Or something.

At that point, the reader should be dying to know what happened next. What a terrible thing Karen did to Jake! (Terrible yet secretly understandable, and she gets big sympathy points for admitting it.) How on earth DID she get over it?

Then would come the copywriting stuff. Your first job there would be to introduce the product or service without any jargon, so your reader knows immediately what you're talking about.

Best of luck to you getting this client!

This could be a really good story.

Maybe focus on these elements...

1. What are you trying to sell?

If it's an EFT course teaching your clients how to remove negative emotions then you should play up the emotions involved in the story and lead off with them eg.

"My wife Karen couldn't eat or sleep for 2 weeks after Jake died."


2. Give some serious thought to those first few lines of the story. Every word must invoke curiosity and compel your prospect to keep reading.

Also put your prospect in the story early on with lines like "imagine your devastation if your beloved dog died" or "maybe you're feeling the same way after your pet's death" or something along those lines.

Opening lines can make or break your copy.

3. The length of the story is not really the problem but it is too long mainly because you can get the message across with about 1/4 of the words.

Just highlight how terrible the episode was with a few broad strokes your prospect will relate to.

Repeating slightly different information over and over does nothing to move your story forward.

Get the emotion across and move on.

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh

P.S. Also read...
Secrets To Story Telling That Multiples Your Sales
How To Write Powerful Opening Lines In Sales Copy

That's a wonderful story! It almost made me cry because I've been there and understand it so well. I've had Just those feelings.

The story is not too long at all. A true story like that can't be too long. And people who have suffered, are suffering, from such a loss, will read all they can if it will help them and if they can relate to the copy.

What I would do is write it first person. Explain the terms you use. I think I know what they are, but not sure and I'm certain others wouldn't know either. Remember, in copywriting you must explain everything and not assume the reader knows what things mean.

I would also tighten up the writing. Make it more professional and crisp.

Put up a notice on your site that a certain percentage of your earnings (of what they pay you) goes to The Humane Society of the United States. They're a five-star charity. I give 25% of all I make to them. Of course, you must follow through and do that. But by giving, you tend to be given more. And the group does so much good and help so many helpless animals.

You also need some testimonials. If you don't have any, give your product away to a small group of people in return for honest opinions. I'm not sure how you'd arrange that but you could talk to the people at Rainbow Bridge or some animal lover groups on the Web. There are a ton of them. There are groups with people who have lost pets. Offer to give them the product free in return for their honest opinions.

Thank you everyone for your helpful insights.

The product is a program to help people with the loss after their pet has died, using energy psychology. (EFT and TAT) it is an interactive program including audio sessions, video tutorial etc.

Yes. I do need to find other words instead of using EFT and TAT, since that will make me lose people.

I'll look at the first lines of the story... And thanks for the links, Andrew!

Virginia, I may swipe a centence or two, if that's OK.

Make it crisp and more professional?? Ah. Working on that. And I can say it in 1/4 of the words? Yeah, I need to do some more soul searching and get rid of the "fillers". I've got lots to learn...

As far as the Humane Society goes, (and other non-profit rescue organizations) the plan is to allow them to sell the program from their own websites, retaining the profit. However, it may be nice PR to mention that a percentage goes to them... Terrific idea.

Thanks again,
and if anyone reading this here could be helped by the program, let me know and I'll be happy to send a copy.

Evita
(back to the desk...)

Jake didn't leave a hole, losing Jake left a hole.

I would reword this. Just little things you can do to tighten your copy.
Just My two cents.
Greg