Hello All,

I thank you for taking the time to pry this post open and see what’s under the hood.
My name is Errol Coombs. I’m a graphic designer who has found an interest in copywriting. Although I am a beginner I’ve been writing stories, songs, poems, etc since I was 9 years old. I’ve always had an interest in advertising yet I wasn’t aware of how to successfully apply my literary skills to the medium. This is some copy that I’ve created for my web design services. Feel free to tell me what you think and thank you all so much for you time.


“The Business Coin...
Which side is your business on?”

Written by Errol Coombs

Success.

Failure.

Both are two sides of a very powerful coin. A coin we’ll call…the business coin. One side can introduce you up to a world of limitless riches, endless respect, financial independence, and the satisfaction of knowing that you truly beat the odds. Unfortunately the other side can lead you to a lifetime of frustration, anger, depression, and the pain of knowing that your hopes may have fallen into an abyss of broken dreams.

Which side do you want to be on?

Which side do you want your business to be on?

If you are a determined and passionate business owner (as I am sure you are) you want to be on the side of success. And you want to stay there! But like a world class boxer training night and day for a chance at the ultimate prize,

YOU MUST HAVE THE TOOLS!!

What are the tools? Vision? Desire? Discipline? You may have all of these very important elements, but you may be missing a vital ingredient that every business must have today.

A Powerful, Website!

Do you know that the internet is a potential goldmine for online businesses? Recent Studies have proven that most people shop, communicate, order lunch, and buy gifts from the comfort of their living rooms.( “….. U.S. online sales are projected to top $210 billion in 2006, including travel purchases, according to a Forrester Research study.”-tmcnet.com) Do you want a piece of that pie? That’s why you need a website. But not just any website….

You need the right website

Designed by the right company!

You need Inventus Design. You need experienced designers whose main goal is to help breath life into your business. You need a company that will produce a site that’s tailored to your audience’s desires. And you need a company that not only works for you….. but with you.

With Inventus you can feel safe in knowing your project will always be our mission. Your success will always be our goal. We offer the following benefits:

- Site design that appeals to your audience and pulls them into your message
- We want to learn more about your product/service so that we can tell the world how
special it is.
- Reasonable pricing
- Effective content that will explain to your audience the true appeal of your product/service that will have them literally begging to do business with you.
- Increased traffic to your site. More views=more sales.
- Dependability. Our designers are ever ready to assist you with reaching your deadlines in a reasonable and timely manner.
- Teamwork. We will work with you step by step until your finished product is a success.

We pride ourselves in inventing and reinventing the ideas of our clients into sturdy, robust, money making powerhouses!

We are a team of widely experienced illustrators and creative designers with more than 15 years experience in the fields of corporate, services, business and professional marketing for web or print design.
Whatever your need, we can provide you with a reasonably priced, quick and creative solution that is guaranteed to satisfy your clients needs, generate cash for you, and create that spark of interest from your readers and viewers that will make them literally fall in love with your product or service.
Whether you are a web publisher, business owner, a magazine printer that needs new and fresh creative material for your publications, call us. We can help bring you to the side of the
coin called success!!!!

Errol,

Your copy is all poetic and pretty but it's the same flowery language I find on many sites offering a service for sale.

I mean it didn't exactly kick me in the balls and make me go, "God if I don't get these folks to design my webpage my business is going to fail".

And that's what it needs to do.

I see no proof that what you offer is superior to any of your thousands of competitors.

I see no guarantee.

I see no introductory special or strong offer to goad me into trying your service.

I see a lot of generalities about improving my business but nothing specific-- how are you going to specifically help me Errol?

That's the question every prospect wants to know.

Thank you so much Micheal for taking the time to critique my ad. Do you have any suggestions on what I should do to improve my pitch and overall skills?

Good question.

For me I cut my teeth on books like:

"Tested Advertising Methods" by John Caples
"Cash Copy" by Dr. Jeffrey Lant
"Advertising Secrets of the Written Word" by Joe Sugarman

I'd go out an get magazines like "Entrepreneur", "Saturday Evening Post", "Popular Science", "Cosmo" and study the direct response ads.

Then I'd be constantly tweaking my sales copy and measuring the results.

Thank you so much! I have recently bought the following books on the subject:

The AdWeek Copywriting Handbook-Joe Sugarman

Web Copy that Sells-Maria Veloso

Ogilvy on Advertising- David Ogilvy

I also have been reading a lot of Halbert's works.

Do you have any advice for a person trying to break into the field of print/web copy? Should I keep my poetic style? I for one feel that the style can keep the reader interested but I understand your point about injecting other important ideas. Thanks again.

any more suggestions?

Save the poetry for a poetry book or romancing your significant other.

When your client's money is on the line, it comes down to one thing: does your sales copy convert prospects into buyers?

If your client paid you $100 to write a sales letter and it bombs, they might not be too upset. If they paid you $5K, then you can count on them being upset that your copy underperformed.

I'd suggest learning the hardcore skills of copywriting. The books that have been mentioned in this thread are all excellent to study.

If you learn how to write compelling copy, the natural poetic flair you have will come out naturally (and effectively) in your copy.

One copywriter who is a perfect example of this is board member Vin Montello. He does a great job with story telling style copywriting.

Good luck,

Mike

Thanks for your response Mike,

I guess it's the writer in me that needs to unlearn a few things. I'll hit the books and be back to give it another go. Thanks again.