In order to make my copy flow better, I'd like to move my offer (two free bonuses, six-month money back guarantee) and testimonials about halfway down a 16-page sales letter.

This goes against what Brian Keith Voiles suggests with Ad Magic, which I have tried to follow religiously but my copy (which is built on a personal story) ends up coming off as fragmented. It's not converted as well as I'd like.

The story flows much better when I move the offer, the price, the testimonials midway through. Is this an absolute no-no? Are readers going to get anxious thinking "just tell me what i have to pay, etc, already!" ?

It was pointed out to me that I wasn't really utilizing the Zeignarik effect... meaning... not creating curiosity for readers to read on. I think all the salesmanship, talking about offers, etc, just took away from me hooking them with my personal story. Things jumped around too much.

Thanks for your feedback in advance!

It's hard to say one way or the other, because there's no "one size fits all" solution. It might be better if you posted a link to your copy and point out where you're thinking of moving it to.

But generally I will say that if you put your call to action halfway through your copy, then what's the rest of the copy for? At some point you have to ask for the offer. You can add additional case studies or testimonials afterwords, but barring that, what are you going to do? Build up to ask for the offer again?

More importantly, you should ask for the order only when you've established your proof, your promise, channel their desire for your solution, etc., and not any sooner. But again, it would help to see what you're talking about.

John

While copywriting rules are successfully broken everyday, I would say the above is pretty much etched in stone.

Dale King

Interesting....

Thanks Dale and John.

John, here's the copy

Well, I know you didn't exactly ask for a critique, but I have to tell you right off the bat, I think you have bigger fish to fry before worrying about where to put the call to action.

For example, your headline is a pretty bold statement. You might consider "warming them up" with proof leading up to the headline so it doesn't seem like such a tall claim. And you also let them know from the start that you're selling a product. That isn't always bad, as Dale says some rules can be broken quite effectively. But usually you want to stir their desire for a solution before you present your product as the logical choice. In your case, you're talking about bottles sold before you even mention anything about bottles. That can add even more confusion.

And you talk about discreet billing and shipping, which is a great thing to say for a product of a "sensitive" and private nature, such as this one. But not until they're sold on the product. Here they don't even know what the product is, much less why they'd want it...or why they should keep reading.

Sorry to be so blunt here, but I figured you'd probably rather have me telling you this up front rather than finding out later when your sales are dismal.

You really need more proof in your lead and the start of your body. You talk about how women do this and don't do that--their behavior and such, but you offer no studies or credibility to back your claims. You might sell some this way, but if your product is as good as you say it is, I'll wager you won't sell even close to your potential.

Now this is just my take, and normally I'd say test this or test that. But in this case you can certainly still test it as is if you want, I just think if you did you'd be taking the longer route.

And maybe you do have world-class copy later on in the salesletter. If you do, I don't think most people will ever get that far to see it. I know I didn't get that far.

So again, take this as it's meant to be...hopefully constructive and helpful.

John

This is wonderful criticism, John. You really know a lot about copy. I'm an "Ad Magic" student, btw.

I'd like to address your points.

-- Rather Bold Headline: I tested much subtler headline. That particular headline was recommended to me in a critique here and I rather liked it. I think I will move it within the text now and use something about "How Nice Guys Can Still Get the Girl"


-- "But usually you want to stir their desire for a solution before you present your product as the logical choice."

Wow. See this is not something Brian Keith Voiles talked about, iirc, and I'd like to ask a question:

If people come to my site from an ad advertising the actual product, won't they get impatient if I don't immediately present to them more details of that product? I know I would. The whole idea of "just tell me what you are selling already."

-- "You talk about how women do this and don't do that--their behavior and such, but you offer no studies or credibility to back your claims."

Yikes. This is going to be tough. It's just something I've learned. I guess it comes off as uncredentialized BS. Seems like the only solution is to credentialize myself?

Not necessarily. You can also use case studies of others to use as proof or credentials.

You don't necessarily have to have the credentials yourself - as long as your copy does!

Proof is proof, regardless of what form it comes in.

Just make sure it's legitimate proof.

Dale King

So basically the idea is.... good copywriters back up everything they say?

Bingo!

Anyone can write a bunch of words - but backing up those words with overwhelming proof is the key!

Dale King

Thanks, Dale.

I do have one idea: getting a female friend of mine, a former model, who also works in the pheromone industry, to either offer quotes, or integrate her first-person voice with my existing copy.

However, she works for the manufactuer of my product.... so it's not exactly "independent"