Don't Crunch your Headlines

Francis Ardi · 09:49 AM

This is a sequel to the threads kineticweap[on and Michel Fortin –
Why do you write such long headlines and About long headlines, respectively.

Despite the expert teaching that headlines should be no longer that 17 words, I agree with Mr. Fortin that sometimes long headlines to make sure your audience is qualified, and, of course, if 17 words are not enough.

The problem is that many of those “long” (25+ words) headlines appear crammed into a small box up top and appear to be “crunched”.

The result is one huge blur of big bold text that struggles to get attention
because the thought units therein appear to be fractured and fragmented.
For optimal performance, there need only be one complete unit thought per line. Here’s an example…

Original headline as it appears from the page it was taken:

"How To Create Your Own Internet
Money Machine That Generates Online
Profits In Just 30 Days...Even If You
Have No Money, Website, Product, &
No Prior Experience!"

And now the optimized version:

"How To Create Your Own Internet Money Machine
That Generates Online Profits In Just 30 Days...
Even If You Have No Money, Website, Product,
and No Prior Experience!"

Another one of my favorites - before:

"If You Can Talk, Then YOU Have What
It Takes To Quickly & Easily Approach,
Pick-Up & Attract All The Hottest
Women You Can Ever Handle And Get
Them to BEG YOUTo Date Them In The
Next 48 Hours -- Once You Know The
Secrets...

and after:

"If You Can Talk, Then YOU Have What It Takes

To Quickly & Easily Approach, Pick-Up & Attract

All The Hottest Women You Can Ever Handle

And Get Them to

BEG YOUTo Date Them

In The Next 48 Hours -

- Once You Know The Secrets...

Notice that I did not change, add or delete a single word from the original headline (save for the change from ‘&’ to ‘and’). What I did was place one (and only one) complete unit of thought on each line. Don’t you agree that it gets the whole point across a lot easier?

I have found these “crunched headlines” to be quite prevalent on the Internet.

If you want to see a few more examples of optimizing wordy headlines, please read my article on Featured Articles on Copywriting and Marketing.

Francis Ardi

maxjohan · 10-28-2006, 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Francis Ardi

This is a sequel to the threads kineticweap[on and Michel Fortin –
Why do you write such long headlines and About long headlines, respectively.

Despite the expert teaching that headlines should be no longer that 17 words, I agree with Mr. Fortin that sometimes long headlines to make sure your audience is qualified, and, of course, if 17 words are not enough.

The problem is that many of those “long” (25+ words) headlines appear crammed into a small box up top and appear to be “crunched”.

The result is one huge blur of big bold text that struggles to get attention
because the thought units therein appear to be fractured and fragmented.
For optimal performance, there need only be one complete unit thought per line. Here’s an example…

Original headline as it appears from the page it was taken:

"How To Create Your Own Internet
Money Machine That Generates Online
Profits In Just 30 Days...Even If You
Have No Money, Website, Product, &
No Prior Experience!"

And now the optimized version:

"How To Create Your Own Internet Money Machine
That Generates Online Profits In Just 30 Days...
Even If You Have No Money, Website, Product,
and No Prior Experience!"

Another one of my favorites - before:

"If You Can Talk, Then YOU Have What

It Takes To Quickly & Easily Approach,
Pick-Up & Attract All The Hottest
Women You Can Ever Handle And Get
Them to BEG YOUTo Date Them In The
Next 48 Hours -- Once You Know The

Secrets...

and after:

"If You Can Talk, Then YOU Have What It Takes

To Quickly & Easily Approach, Pick-Up & Attract

All The Hottest Women You Can Ever Handle

And Get Them to

BEG YOUTo Date Them

In The Next 48 Hours -

- Once You Know The Secrets...

Notice that I did not change, add or delete a single word from the original headline (save for the change from ‘&’ to ‘and’). What I did was place one (and only one) complete unit of thought on each line. Don’t you agree that it gets the whole point across a lot easier?

I have found these “crunched headlines” to be quite prevalent on the Internet.
If you want to see a few more examples of optimizing wordy headlines, please read my article on Featured Articles on Copywriting and Marketing.

Francis Ardi

Yes I agree with you. The optimized versions were better.

Thx.

HardworkingCopy · 10-28-2006, 05:36 AM

The optimized versions do flow better.

Mr. Subtle · 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Francis Ardi

The problem is that many of those “long” (25+ words) headlines appear crammed into a small box up top and appear to be “crunched”.

The result is one huge blur of big bold text that struggles to get attention
because the thought units therein appear to be fractured and fragmented.
For optimal performance, there need only be one complete unit thought per line.

Don’t you agree that it gets the whole point across a lot easier?

Sure, but why don't you take it to the next level?

Here's what I did. First of all, I grabbed the headline from your website and replaced the "inch" (quotation) marks with typographer's quotation marks. The sample below matches yours pretty darn close...

What do you see when you look at it? It's tough to see anything because it's 28 words of upper and lower case words set on 4 lines of type. It's a typical short (for the internet marketing niche) headline and monotonous as hell. BORING.

So why not wake up the graphic designer in you which has been depressed by the Dan Kennedy's (it's CLUNKY, but not by design) of the world and make it eye grabbing, visually appealing and EASY to read?

The headline in your example is 28 words. Why not break up the words into smaller, easier to read segments?

My example (below) shows the same headline broken up into a 5 word preHEAD, a 3 word HEADline and a 20 word subHEAD.

The benefit of a PITHY headline is that it's going to be read TWICE; the first time when the page opens, then again after they've read the prehead. NO ONE reads the prehead before reading the headline.

So, which of the HEADs is easier to read. . .which is more exciting?

You can take it one step further and set the HEAD in all upper case letters since it's so short:

And if you're really in a creative mood, you can add some highlights to the letters and a drop shadow:

Stephen Davies · 10-29-2006, 04:20 PM

Wow.

What a difference this makes... great stuff!

Francis Ardi · 10-29-2006, 08:22 PM

Mr. Subtle,

That's really what I call IMPACT. Taking things a step further.
Going beyond organizing the clutter and bringing out the most
significant portion of the headline so that it really grabs the reader
by the lapels.

I'll see what I can do about the "Atract Women" headline
and some of the other "crunched" headlines I found and included
in my article (link on my original posting)

BTW how did my second example gotten to be blown apart?

Francis

FrankSherrill · 10-30-2006, 10:47 AM

Subtle that is Amazing!!

LOVED iT.

What would you do with this website. It's mine and I am not happy with the headline. To many words.

Bullworker X5 and Bully Xtreme Home Gym Isometrics Training

Appreciate your help.

Frank Sherrill

Stephen Davies · 11:06 AM

Hey Frank,
Nice product!

Let me ask you... what is the purpose of creating the V-pattern in your headline?

Does it have anything to do with this quote from your sales page?

Quote:

a defined, V-tapered, well muscled, rock hard and functional body!

I say get rid of the headline and start from scratch. Too many words that say very little to me as your target market.

Perhaps you should ask others here for some ideas for this headline.

Also the "Learn How To" portion definitely needs to go... I don't want to "learn", I just want results.

Like I said "great product"!

By the way, do you have an affiliate program for this product? This would be a great one to do as a rewrite.

FrankSherrill · 10-30-2006, 11:39 AM

Primoquest

Thanks for the input. Actually it is such a long headline that I just figured to use it to lead the readers eye into the sub headline. The V-tapered thing.

The only issue I have is that I am driving some targeted traffic from adwords to my page and that traffic is converting @ 5%.

Traffic that is not as targeted keywords such as, build muscle, bowflex alternative etc... converts at a much lower rate 1% t0 .5% sometimes less.

The issue for me is as follows:

* Create different sales letters so that the keywords are more of a market match. Each having it's own website.

* Create a catalog style webpage with different headlines each targeting a different keyword.

Other than that I am confused.

The current program is generating in excess of $300,000 a year in Sale volume.

I was also able to achieve Powerseller sataus on ebay in less than 45 days
and currently generating $5,000 to $8,000 a moth in sales volume there.

I am introducing additional products for my peak season which is Novemeber thru January.

Any input, ideas, thoughts, and rants are welcome.

Frank Sherrill

Francis Ardi · 04:07 PM

Original Version:

Who Else Would Like To Receive

Personal Mentoring By The Same

Top Marketing Consultants That

Justin Blake Recommends To His

Top Students?

Improved version:

Who Else Would Like To

Receive Personal Mentoring

By The Same Top Marketing Consultants

Justin Blake Recommends To His Top Students?

Better Still:

You Can Now Receive Personal Mentoring

By The Same Top Marketing Consultants

Justin Blake Recommends To His Top Students?

Regarding the Bullworker headline:

Discover A Stronger Than Kryptonite Bullworker Type,

Isometric, Static Contraction Muscle Builder

That Puts Inches Of Muscle On Your Entire Body

And Triples Your Strength In Record Time?"

Notice how I've done my best to put a single unit of thought on each line, made the firs line smaller to function as a pre-head, making the reader read the headline twice, and eliminated excess words.

I don't know why this thing does not present things
in the way intended.