I have a list of 15,000 loyal golfers and it's growing at 60-80 everyday.

For the very first time I added a speciall offer of a "physical" golf ball cleaner valued at $14. I explained what it is -- and for any golfer they would really think this was cool.

I was giving it away (including shipping) if they joined my online program that day.

Out of 15,000 golfers who hear from me every week with my newsletter, ONLY 10 joined.

That was not much more than a "normal", non offer newsletter.

What do you think went wrong?

Can we see the copy of the bonus offer?

ONLY T.E.N. wow,

that is a low return. I would like to see your copy also. I did my very first offer just last week and to be frank ... I have had to turn away a lot of business as couldnt cope with it

There are secrets that when applied will increase response. Let us check out your offer I am sure we can help you.

Mike,

Was the special offer really requiring that they sign up "that day"? All of my special offers in my newsletter are good for a week, and I find that the most people who take advantage of an offer do so one or two days after the newsletter goes out.

Also, are you not normally using special offers? I have one almost every week - I vary them and am always surprised to see which ones take off and which ones don't.

Finally, the very best kind of bonus is something that they normally can't get at any price. If anyone could buy this thing-a-ma-jig for $14 and shipping, that may not be a very compelling bonus for folks in your price range.

Marcia Yudkin

See below for my "personal" intro to that week's newsletter. I made the offer good for only that day to create an immediate urgency and also I didn't want non subscribers to get the offer at that point.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Mike

I'm beginning this weeks newsletter with a special
offer for my Power Performance Program.

Join my online golf fitness program today for the
annual membership, and you will receive my very cool,
Golf Trainer Ball Cleaner.

You can purchase it on my site for $14 (includes $4
shipping). But choose this offer now, and I'll send
it to you as my gift for joining. I'll even pay for
the shipping. Although international orders may have
additional shipping charges.

You can take a look at
http://store.golf-trainer.com and click on
"accessory" in the left navigation bar of the page.

It's the coolest golf accessory you'll ever have on the
course. It stays moist for 18 holes. You fold it
up, put it in your pocket, and when you get to
the green, you clean your ball with it and put it
back in your pocket.

No more wet towels to bring to the green and forget.
This cleaner stays in your pocket conveniently and
you don't even know it's there. All your golfing
partners will want one.

This offer is only good today. So don't put it off.
Click on https://www.golf-trainer.com/public/5.cfm

You will thoroughly enjoy your new golf ball cleaner
and your new game, once you begin the program.

New members also receive a one-time 25% discount
on any products in our golf fitness store.

And by the way, don't forget about your mothers
this Sunday. I know I'll be taking care of mine.

Hit'em Long & Straight.

And remember, "No Bogeys".

Regards,

Mike Pedersen
"The Golf Trainer"
mike@golf-trainer.com
http://www.golf-trainer.com

P.S. If you have any questions about my all-inclusive,
golf performance system, call me on my dime at toll fr*e
1-866-266-7200 and I'd be more than happy to answer them.

hi, quick thoughts:

-lose the word "cool" and "coolest", most customers are over 40 and that sounds like something their teenage son says to them..

- I would've done something more along the lines of a short email with teaser copy designed to bring them to your pitch page, as in:

========================
Dear (name),

"See Heads Turn on the fairway when you Whip Out
the Most Astounding New Golf Gadget That's 11 ounces of Pure Sizzling Golf Fun!"

Take a look at these 7 tips for using it to sharpen your short game
easily and quickly, at:

http://thegolfsite.com/thepitch.htm

And find out how it can be yours, as my gift....

Fore!,


Salesman Guy

P.S. By the way, be sure to see the green bogey-meter at the
bottom of the page, it's sure to shave 4 points off your short game.

=================


See the difference? They WOULD click on that to check out the pitch page... then you can sell them with a long copy letter. Don't use long email copy. In your pitch, you're trying to close in the body of an email, without having developed a USP or any benefits.


Ken[/b]

Hi Mike,

Did you track how many people clicked on your links? If you did, I'm guessing a good number of people clicked on your links but very few signed up.

Your offer is basically "signup for X today and you get this bonus". You described the bonus. But you forgot to tell them what is X. It's not in the email, and if you click on both the links in your email there's no clue what X is either. How many people are going to pay for a one year membership if they don't know what it is?

Sometimes you can get away with it, if your bonus has a much higher perceived value than the price of X... but this is not the case here.

All you mention is "performance program" and "fitness program"... vague generalities, I don't know what I'm getting if I sign up. I know they're your subscribers, but don't assume they know anything or remember anything about your program. You know your program like the back of your hand, but they don't. You gotta do a full selling job.

You have a toll free number to call for more info, but most people are probably afraid they'll get a high-pressure sales pitch on the other end. You didn't get many calls did you? Besides, do you really want to be a "telemarketer" (even if it's them calling you)?

The 10 who signed up are the ones who took the trouble to open a new browser, go to your main page, navigate your website until they know what your program is about (and try to guess if it's the same program you're referring to in your email), then go back to the original browser window to order. Most people won't go to all that trouble.

Try linking to the page that has the sales letter for your program instead... you'd probably get a much better response. And unless you gave them prior warning a few days in advance that you're gonna have a one-day offer, you should give them more than 1 day to respond. Because not everyone checks email everyday.

Sincerely,
Yeo

Great advice from both of you.

Ken I LOVE that headline!! Do you golf? You seem to understand golf a bit. I usually don't like HYPE copy - but that's great stuff!

Yeo thank you for your insight as well.

I am not the writer - I'm the golf fitness guy. I have such a great niche and should be able to sell a lot of my visitors on my program if my copy was better.

Anybody want to contribute to the Pedersen Foundation?

Thanks again.