Here's a headline and lead for a home study course. The idea is that with this course, your financial worries are over.

This is for a direct mail piece that may also be used on the Web. It's rough, but I wanted early opinions on it.

I thought the poll option would help some individuals feel more comfortable expressing themselves.

Primarily, I just want to know if this grabs you, or not.

[Edit]

As it is written:

1. Does the headline compel you to read the lead?

2. Does the lead bring you to the decision that you're going to read the rest of the copy?




I've had enough!


"I've Got A Good Job, Pay My Bills On Time, Live Well Within My Means -- And Still Have Nothing Put Away That I Can Look Forward To In Retirement"



Dear _____,

I'm sick and tired of living with the fear that if anyone so much as sneezes, my financial house of cards will come crashing down around me -- Leaving me flat broke and financially trapped.

Hi Peter,

I prefer...

Have you had enough?


"You've Got A Good Job, You Pay Your Bills On Time, You Live Well Within Your Means -- And You Still Haven't Got Enough To Put Away To Securely Enjoy Your Retirement"

Take care

John

Thanks John. Very helpful.


Peter Stone

Peter,
I'd also prolong the issue you started in the headline. Don't get to the solution too quicky, mate.

Nice headline by the way -- of course, once it was tweaked by John

Sean
http://www.psychotactics.com

I'd try something more like...


"Who's Going to Pay YOUR Bills Once You Turn 65? If Your Bank Account is Cash-Starved -- You'll Find peace of mind in this Must-Read 113-Page "Retiring in Style" Exclusive report...."

You'll be "Retirement Ready" instead of "Retiring Worried" once you see the 37 Responsible, Step-by-Step Financial Planning Strategies we reveal that You Can Instantly Begin Using to Achieve the Retirement You Always THOUGHT You'd Be Able to Afford - it's Easy....!"




Ken

P.S. This headline took me exactly 7 minutes and 34 seconds to write, from concept to here. Sorry if it needs more tweaking (1 tweak done). Note I use the word "You" nine times, and have 3 numbers mentioned. Plus it addresses financial security concerns etc.. a few hot buttons hit with style. It needs a lot of work. But that's my first shot at it ...good practice for me, feel free to lift it if you wish. Right John re turnaround to more "you's"..

P.P.S. I have a great coach!

Alright! Ken clocks in with a whopper in 7minutes, 34 seconds. Way to go, Ken.



The following headline pulled 4% on two roll outs. (It was used in an ink on paper magalog, but seems appropriate to discuss here in "Web Copywriting").

I find it interesting that the only person who believed in this headline, was the copywriter. The company tested it and ended up with this blockbuster.


Had Enough?


Enough turkey burgers and sprouts?
Enough forcing gallons of water down your throat?
Enough exercising until you can barely breathe?

BEFORE YOU GIVE UP EVERYTHING

just because "everyone" says it's healthy...

SEE INSIDE FOR THE REAL HEALTH FACTS
AND ENJOY A HEALTHY LIFE:



Peter Stone

Hi Peter,

All the above comments are excellent, but what struck me the most was simply flipping your headline and opening sentence around (I saw this in 10 seconds) - I really like your opening sentence (but with You):


Are you sick and tired of living with the fear that if anyone so much as sneezes, your financial house of cards will come crashing down around you -- Leaving you flat broke and financially trapped?

You've got a good job, pay your bills on time, live well within your means -- and still have nothing put away that you can look forward to in retirement...

----------

My personal take, but this sounds more powerful to me, and excellent for a lead into the rest of your letter.

If you test these different versions, do let us know what the winner is... I for one would be curious. We're talking subtleties here, but who can predict the winner?

Good luck,

Tim

Hi Tim,

Good to see you back and thanks for the help.

You've got a good eye.


Peter Stone

Is the product specifically related to saving for retirement? Is the target market specifically worried about retirement?

The reason I ask is that I would not be motivated or particularly interested in a course that was about saving for retirement. However, I would be motivated to read the letter if it addressed a more immediate issue, such as the old get off the 40x40x40 merry-go-round.

The point I'm making is that if the course can lead to financial freedom, rather than saving for retirement which is a sub-set of financial freedom, then you might be missing the mark with some people who would benefit from the course, but are not particularly thinking about their retirement just now.

Hope this helps,
Jane

Jane,

Your thoughts are both pertinent and insightful.


Thanks,

Peter Stone