Tim,
Hi, I looked at your site, and I agree that the headline needs work. And I tend to like leading questions: Did you know that tracking site visitor behavior can increase your ROI by up to 300%? ....
Since I have a background in sciences, I like facts, too. In fact, in many of my sales letters, I use a method that I learned several years ago: teach your audience a fact, something interesting that they didn't know before. It quickly establishes your expertise, and when reaching professionals, this is especially important.
They want to know why they should come to YOU for their tracking software, and not others.

Way down in your sales letter, you wrote:

We feel that repeat visitors are important so we have taken SmarTracking™ to a higher level where other tracking programs don't follow. You can now know repeat visitors as individuals, who specifically is coming back, where they are entering and where they are leaving your site. You can even add personalized notes next to each visitor profile.
You will know at a glance which content sections are working, which promotional actions are creating "faithful" visitors, and which strategies are the most rewarding to help you determine where you should continue to invest your hard earned income.
!

I would bring this further up in the copy. You've just told me what makes YOUR product different and better than other tracking software out thee, and trust me, IT department managers, business owners, and others compare products before buying for their business. You've told me you can help my business track what works (so I can do more of this) and what doesn't, so I can stop wasting money on campaigns that don't work.

I did some emails for hyperTracker awhile back that did very well, because these same points were emphasized.

I would change the fonts and layout if you're trying to reach a professional audience as well. Your friend is right: they want benefits, but entice them with facts, as if you were sitting next to the person, discussing the benefits of your tracking software. Less colors, less bolding for a professional audience. If you use a text box, put facts in it, statistics, market research for them.
You wrote:

Thanks to a combination of fundamental variables, such as cookies and Ip addresses, you will finally know with certainty each unique visitor to your site. The level of precision that SmarTracking™ provides is nearly perfect (tested 96% - 99.5%).

Tell me who tested you (independent firm?) and this tidbit is of interest to a company or firm. Again, bring this further up in the copy. This is why your software is BETTER than the many other tracking software out there competing for business.

I wouldn't mention affiliate programs, etc. to corporate/business clients. Take those sections out for a letter addressing them. This tends to get their "hype alarms" going. You could call it "strategic partners" and have a small amount of information...

Personally, if this were me, to reach a corporate audience I would use a "white paper" approach. Show the industry trends in tracking online customer behavior, and why. Show what tracking software does. THEN let them know about yours, and why it's the best. I've used that approach with several software clients, and it worked out quite well for them.

I hope this helps, and best wishes with your letter,
Sheri

Geeze Sheri, you gave me some pretty darn good ideas! Thanks!

Between you and Alan, I'm all worked up to rewrite this thing! It will be fun.
You know, I use lead questions almost exclusively for all my "small" ads - Titles for SE, PPC, etc., and I have found that they work really well. Don't know why I didn't consider it for the salesletter?

Also, thanks for reminding me to differentiate our product from the crowd - this is so important, and I didn't give it emphasis.

I guess, I wrongly assumed, that since we were going (as a goal with this salesletter) towards obtaining free trial sign ups, and NOT the direct sale, I laxed up a bit thinking this would be "brainless". WRONG!

6% CR isn't terrible, but I have the feeling that we could do a lot better than that. Also the "professional" approach was a bit of a mystery to me... now it is much clearer. Once we do get the sign ups, we have been getting wonderful feedback about the product, I just need to also rework our follow up approach.

I have found that clients are gathered when real personal contact is made - not just automatic follow ups (my experience). So, I am working on establishing direct contact with those that actually do use the product (many sign up but don't actually use it), I am also working on getting these folks to actually start using it. Once they do, the product speaks for itself. We have some very enthusiastic clients.

I plan on really examining your suggestions while I rewrite this, and I am certainly open to more... I know, now I am getting greedy :P

Anyway, thanks again.

Tim

Tim,
You are so right that personal follow-up makes the sale. This is one of the big reasons that many companies going online DON'T sell from their web sites: they assume that the copy will make all the sales, do all the work...but especially for higher-end products, or software that needs explanation and support, a personal call or follow-up to leads will often make the difference between a "visitor" and a "customer".
I did an interview not too long along with Jeffrey Lant. He emphasized this point over and over: let your customers reach you by PHONE or do personalized contact whenever possible. His advice has made me consider putting my phone number on my own web site...
Best wishes,
Sheri