I am new at this and would to know your thoughts on this sales letter i have drafted for a direct mail campain. Any help would be appreciated

Jeoffrey Viinderpal
7251 West More Blvd.
Suite 300
Springfield OR 23564

October 1st, 2005

RE: Executive Office Suites in Springfield

We are building Springfield’s only executive suite facility located in the heart of Springfield at 222 Bates Ave. Construction on our new building will be completed next month. We are currently accepting deposit reservations on a limited amount of executive office suites.

Executive suites range in size from 110 to 350 square feet.

• With Executive Office suite you can lease for one month, six months or one year.
• Start work immediately
• Work in a professional environment
• Our dedicated staff answers your calls live just like a member of your company. And they can carefully screen them before contacting you. Calls are screened, announced and seamlessly connected to you no matter where you are.
• Enjoy the image of “Follow Me Communications” whether you are in or out of the office.
• Your office is available to you 24/7 for your convenience.

When you choose a Smart Office as your permanent office location you won't have to worry about footing high monthly bills for traditional expenses. Costs such as a full time receptionist, air-conditioning, heating, daily cleaning, 24 hour security cameras throughout, building maintenance, and office equipment are all included. We include these in your flat monthly rental so you always know exactly where you stand.

We have a limited amount of suites available. I invite you call us before October 10th in order to learn how to reserve your office


Linda Smith
Smart Office
(212) 555 5555

I would strongly recommend you hire a professional copywriter. This letter tells about you. It should tell your prospects what's in it for them, and do it from the get go.

Also your "RE:" headline is weak. It should convey a strong benefit and a reason to read your letter. In short, the headline should be an ad for your ad.

Hope that helps.

John

Jeff,

A few of my clients presenting executive suites to small and growing businesses found that opening with a problem faced by the reader lead more buyers to seek additional information.

For example:

• "If you think you're too small for a professional office, that you can be proud to show clients, that could increase number of appointments, then consider the value of an executive suite." (targeted toward legal/accounting types)

• "Want a professional office without adding staff and significantly increasing overhead." (follow with the cost of space, conference rooms, and support staff.)

• "A prominent downtown office at home office rates, and significantly less than what you would expect." (letter showed how expensive a home office could be because of the impression it left on clients, targeting consulting professionals, then showed how much less executive suites were compared to regular space.)

• "Tired of the home office, want more clients to visit you, need a professional office but without the hassles" (Talked about how clients see "professionals" in back bedroom offices, how that's fine for overhead, but if you're a serious you'll benefit from place clients can visit you without embarrassment. Targeted small professional firms.)

• "Need a professional satellite office without long-term leases, flexible growth, and all the support amenities without the extra expense." (Targeted government contractors and other firms with small branch offices or recent contract awards in the area. Talked about how quickly an office could be setup, and how staff could focus on billable work, not office overhead.)

Which opening is best for you? Well, I don't know what your objectives are, who you are targeting, or your market. I jotted these down from memory, so they are all subject to tuning. But, you probably get the gist.

You should also fix the "Re:", benefit points, your offer, and ..., well least the paragraph "When you choose a Smart Office" speaks to the readers interest. Putting together this first draft is always a good way to start.

Of course, there is more than just having a great letter and dropping it in the mail. Any of the copywriters on this board will be happy to do an initial consultation (rates may vary) to move you toward a profitable campaign.

Sincerely,

Justin

Ps. You may be interested in my e-mail mini-course on motivating executives, there are certain factors decision makers will look for when reading your letter, this course covers them (it's free)