...continued.

First, this would be a very difficult project for me. Honestly, I think it could be more convincing. It's based on something close to a Blackie story, but the guy lives. In a B story, the plausibility of the premise is in the finding of a finished system or thing. The character simply joins the seller and the thing he's selling. True to format, a Blackie story would go something like this: I suffered a family tradgedy and was homeless. I met an old man in the park. He treated me as his son and when he died, I found this lost manuscript in the attic. I turned it into software and I'm offering it to you for only...

I'm certain you know what a Blackie story is about, but some readers may not know.

Yours is an interesting twist, but jumps too quickly. Point "A" He's near death and desparate so he (Point "Z"):creates a trading system? What happened between "B" and "Y" that makes "Z" logical and plausible?


I managed to twist his arm and convinced him to not only release this system at an unheard-of, mind-blowing discount, but also throw in a copy of his software for free. Yes, 100% FREE!

What are the details on twisting his arm? Why did he 'finally' say yes?

Unable to work after suffering a life-threatening stroke, caused by a tumor (otherwise I'm left asking: "Did he have a stroke or a tumor?")


Doctors removed a huge tumor lodged in his brain, near his eyeballs (almost blinding him forever). But what was worse is that they told Michael he would never be able to work again.

The plausibility suffers. The part under "You See, Michael Had NO Choice But To
Find An Alternate Stream of Income...
... Because He Was Near Death!"

Might be better if it were moved to the lead, under "Dear Trader"

There are some contradictions in your copy - he could work for only an hour, but concentrate for 20 minutes. How could he do research? How could he work for an hour doing research while only able to concentrate for 20 minutes?

The structure is good. The white page lay-out I like a lot.

There's some credibility in the idea that this system has been around for a long time, used by stock brokers and so on. A friend of mine charts, but does it by hand. "The sophistication is in the software... The difficult part has all been done for you...".

If you find this valid feedback and want to work on this in some detail, I'm game. I didn't get to the other page.


Peter