Personally, I'd like to see something within the first couple of paragraphs that gives me an example of
how your software is going to help me.
I'm reading some things that make me immediately think of more questions, like this:
Quote:
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The system gives you absolute clarity on what you want your business to become, and profound insights into how you are going to reach that ultimate destination
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How are you going to do that? How do you know what my business is or where I want to go with it?
Show me some samples of business plans you've written for others. Get their testimonials if you can. Nothing sells me more than a well-written testimonial.
And...30 times my money's worth? An alarm immediately went off when I read that. Three times, I could understand.. but 30? Sounds a bit too hyped up IMHO.
And.. if it's at all possible..I would really steer clear of using *too much* from that salesletter template (I have it too, and immediately recognized what I was reading from) - if you have a good product - and it seems like you do - you won't need a salesletter template to write about it - you can write about it firsthand because you've poured your own design and effort into it. Use the template as a guide, but not as the entire foundation of your letter.
I sincerely hope my input has helped you. Best of luck with your product
