Hi Dave,

Welcome to the forum.

I don't have much time in this moment, but a quick glance gave me a couple indications.

The good...

Your yellow johnson box with the numbered examples is good - that's something to work with.

The bad...

Take away 95% of the times you start a sentence or thought with "I"... "I will..." I am..." I'll teach..." etc and simply start the sentence with the verb that describes the benefit of what your visitor will get.

Right now your sales letter is focused on you, flip it around and focus it on your reader... just this one tip should keep you fairly occupied, and dramatically help your results.

Oh yeah... keep it in the present tense too.

Have a good one,

Tim